curvatures

Sold her soul to dance in the heat of India
Blanket the black sky with vibrant reds and dark sinful purples
She whispers, chants seductively, of love and death on a voice like the wind
Sweat and morning stars break through; strip down to beads and bells
Lion tamers invade her head and she cracks the whip,
begging for the beasts to dare brush against her skin
Spin faster--her dark alluring hair swirls around her body
she beats her feet to the rhythmic pounding;
she soaks up the melody, holds it in her stomach and lets it take her to the moon
Beneath this thick and lustful night she'll dance with a sly smile smeared upon her face as
the others turn their heads; her sinful beauty a disgraceful sight to them.

Baron

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Baron

I enjoyed reading this, although I read it more as prose than poetry. The last line alone disappointed me; didn't like the use of the word "disgusting". I would think more of disgaceful, scandalous or perhaps shameful.

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huitzil

I really liked the flow of the poem until it got to "her dark alluring hair brushing her breasts". It seems like you are trying to hard to make it sexy. I get that it's meant to be sensual and even sexual, but this part just seems a little cheesy. Also, "her sinful beauty a disgusting sight to them" is kind of implied in the rest of the poem. Other than that there are a lot of interesting images in this poem, it has potential.

cygnet

i hope you meant 'breasts' and not 'beasts', to me this piece has mystical, and exotic feeling, i think it could benefit from like breaks, and/or changes in structure

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'What I see is real:
four weightless poplars
planted in vertigo'

Octavio Paz

Jay Kay

"...with a sly smile smeared upon her face ..." i like this as it scans nicely ..."sly...smile...smeared ..." you write very descriptively (is there such a word?) i both admire and envy you as i can't even describe a sunrise properly. i agree with baron about "disgusting" ... i'd have used "distracting."
in my opinion its well worth revising.

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"Life is just a bowl of All Bran,
You wake up every morning and its there."
The Small Faces ... Ogdens Nut Gone Flake ... 1968.

curvatures

thank you everyone for your comments. I took them all in and changed things.
Baron: thank you for pointing out the typo, it has been changed, or rather just taken out all together. I changed the word in the last line, I think I might change the whole ending though. ^^ I just haven't gotten that far in the revision. Thank you for the review, it's always helpful!

huitzil: I changed that part completely, I am unsure if it is THAT much better. I wanted to keep some description about her hair in there. And again I changed the last part only slightly, I want to try and revise it more though. Thank you for your input =)

Cygnet: I broke it up a little bit more, but not drastically. I hope that makes it a bit better, maybe when I revise it more I will add some more breaks and things. Thank you for your suggestion =]

Jay Kay: Yes there is such a word. =D And I thank you very much for your kind words about my writing. And I agree with you that the last part may need some more word changing and revision. I am working on perhaps taking the last part out and starting over. Thank you again!

Baron

like it

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Edgewise

Sensual, exotic, and evocative of a certain sensual, exotic woman in "A Tremor of Intent". Nice work. Kudos.

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How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"