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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
07-27-2007, 03:31 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: san francisco, ca.
Gender: Male
Posts: 485
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Necrophilia - a love poem.
Every time we make love
I feel like a necrophiliac.
But don't get the wrong
impression. I know you're
exhausted, what with the
kids and the housework
and your job downtown
as the all night manager
at the 7-eleven.
Every time we make love
I feel like a necrophiliac.
No, I'm not complaining.
Perversely enough, I'm learning
to love it - the sight of you
just laying there, one eye closed,
your mouth slightly agape,
and your spittle glistening
in the flickering candle light.
Last edited by johnjohndoe : 07-28-2007 at 04:26 AM.
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07-27-2007, 03:45 PM
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#2
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 94
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Creepy. It feels more like prose to me.
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07-29-2007, 10:06 AM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 139
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you gotta wake her up first dude! nice piece from the heart ... all night manager at the seven eleven ... why not take your partner somewhere for lunch then? or breakfast in bed?
__________________
"Life is just a bowl of All Bran,
You wake up every morning and its there."
The Small Faces ... Ogdens Nut Gone Flake ... 1968.
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07-29-2007, 10:09 AM
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#4
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 529
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Quote:
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you gotta wake her up first dude!
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LOL, very nice, Jay. I didn't really care for the piece, but the title certainly got my attention. |
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07-29-2007, 11:49 AM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: san francisco, ca.
Gender: Male
Posts: 485
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many thanks to huitzil, jay kay, and the hack for your comments.
i thought this little bitch of a poem was dead. i had even attached a video of the poem from youtube, but i decided to remove the damn thing (thus the "edited by johnjohndoe" ect. - see above). you win some, you lose some...this poem sucks!
sincerely,
john. john doe.
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07-29-2007, 01:37 PM
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#6
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 655
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnjohndoe
Every time we make love
I feel like a necrophiliac. The starting 2 lines are impact filled.
But don't get the wrong
impression. I know you're
exhausted, what with the
kids and the housework
and your job downtown
as the all night manager
at the 7-eleven. It's ruined. You have turned it into Prose in a vertical position. It doesn't read like a poem and you are reading it like a line in a piece of prose which is bad for me.
Every time we make love
I feel like a necrophiliac.
No, I'm not complaining.
Perversely enough, I'm learning
to love it - the sight of you
just laying there, one eye closed,
your mouth slightly agape,
and your spittle glistening
in the flickering candle light.
Stanza 2 is a little tighter but still the same problem remains.
I don't really like it, but not too awful is the second paragraph.
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__________________
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Check out my blog:
http://quantumbomber.blogspot.com/
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07-29-2007, 02:23 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: san francisco, ca.
Gender: Male
Posts: 485
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dear triquediqual,
thanks for the comment..but remember!!!
THERE ARE NO RULES IN POETRY!!
You can make a poem any way you want to make it. you are only limited my your own creativity. if anybody ever tells you about "poetic rules," turn and run the other way. be yourself. express yourself. yourself yourself.
my poem sucks. i admit it. but it's my poem. and i will...well, i don't know what i'm going to do.
http: YouTube - Journal Entry 003.
Last edited by johnjohndoe : 07-29-2007 at 02:31 PM.
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07-29-2007, 04:16 PM
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#8
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 655
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Oh, but it is a style. It's called Freestyle Poetry.
But like any other poetry, it has to have a good flow, meaning, emotion, imagery, technique, yours lacked all of this, and I believe it was because of the style, not that I mind Freestyle, only it wasn't pulled off well enough and I suggested if tightened enough, it would improve.
Triq
__________________
I don't need to convince you to become an atheist, because you already believe in Nothing, you only have to convince yourself
Check out my blog:
http://quantumbomber.blogspot.com/
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