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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
07-26-2007, 03:26 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 125
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110
110
a man
everyday in the alley
behind the building i live in
he is there
drinking cheap beer
in the dirty rat infected alley
one day i buy six of heineken
go there to the alley
hey man sez i
hey sez he
I give him a beer he takes it
fucking cold he sez
must be 110 i sez
at least he confirms fucking cold
at least 110
we drink the six
fucking cold sez we at least 110
man is gone
alley is deserted but for few empty bottles
dusk big city canyons of steel glass cement
must be 110 wind sez
December 2004
__________________
'What I see is real:
four weightless poplars
planted in vertigo'
Octavio Paz
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07-26-2007, 03:50 PM
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#2
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 650
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The tone is consistent throughout the whole piece here. The image of the dark alley was certainly visible and the colloquial language used here is also applicable and used appropriately.
However, I think for the length, it ran on, the first few lines were terribly lame and dull and it only started to improve. I think the opening line and concluding lines were the worst.
__________________
I don't need to convince you to become an atheist, because you already believe in Nothing, you only have to convince yourself
Check out my blog:
http://quantumbomber.blogspot.com/
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07-26-2007, 06:02 PM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,894
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I just saw it and like it
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07-26-2007, 07:29 PM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 125
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thanks triq, maybe i will rework at a later date
Baron, i am glad that you liked, it is just a snapshot of everyday chicago
__________________
'What I see is real:
four weightless poplars
planted in vertigo'
Octavio Paz
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07-26-2007, 10:31 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,673
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try "rat infested" and try to remove the repeat of the word "alley"
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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07-27-2007, 04:44 AM
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#6
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Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 650
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By the way, it might be a naive of me but what does the 110 represent?
__________________
I don't need to convince you to become an atheist, because you already believe in Nothing, you only have to convince yourself
Check out my blog:
http://quantumbomber.blogspot.com/
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07-28-2007, 08:19 PM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 125
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i guess 110 is just a term expressing the state of mind of going to the limit, or passed it, that is my meaning in this poem
__________________
'What I see is real:
four weightless poplars
planted in vertigo'
Octavio Paz
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