Vita - Writers Forum

Baron · 07-25-2007, 03:19 PM

Removed for publishing reasons.

Ilasir Maroa · 07-25-2007, 10:53 PM

it was okay... some of the rhymes seem forced... but they might not be.

Baron · 07-26-2007, 06:07 AM

Thanks for the comment

Triquediqual · 07-26-2007, 06:17 AM

Not my favorite. I agree that some of the rhymes seem forced, but it's not awfully bad, I just don't appeal to this one and connect, seems like the theme is different on every line and theres no overall coherence to the piece.

But it's still good.

Baron · 07-26-2007, 08:33 PM

thanks both for your comments. Strange to me that you think it forced, and I'm not arguine against the way that you pecieve it. When I wriote this I was thinking about the "muse" and I wrote it exactly as it came to me without thinking or edittieng, for that reason alone I don't feel that anything was forced because that would have meant thinking about what I was doing, which I didn't. Perhaps this is waffle but I know what I mean lol

Baron · 07-27-2007, 08:47 AM

I've just split this into sections to seperate the "muse" verse

Triquediqual · 07-28-2007, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Uncertain about this one so... comments welcome
I'll do my deeper analysis now.

The poets sing their songs of love and woe I don't see the requirement to have "The" at the start, crappy word.
And the artist paints his secret, hidden dream; Get rid of "And"
The madman strums his sacred tune then stands and turns to go,
To follow the mystic, multi-coloured, stream Typo error. It's Colored. Is a comma necessary here as you are talking about both the previous and following line in relation to stream??
That meanders through vita’s constant spiral course.
The gypsy girl will dance her fevered tarantella,
Whilst the crippled boy springs laughing from his horse,
Joining the musicians but singing a cappella.

Before the gates there stands the apparition of desire, Get rid of "There"
In satin gown of deepest blue with jewelled necklace Typo error, it's Jeweled.
Like sparkling stars, in each the flash of cold blue fire,
Summon all to gaze upon the beauty of her face.

The poets sing their songs of love and woe
And the artist paints his secret, hidden dream,Same as earlier for these two lines.
The madman strums his sacred tune then stands and turns to go,
To follow the mystic, multi-coloured, stream. Typo error.

I'll never love this poem Baron, but it will improve somewhat as these alterations.

Hope that helps,

Triq

Baron · 07-28-2007, 10:20 AM

colour is UK english, color - US
I live in the UK, Triq. I'll deal with the other suggestions, thanks.

Triquediqual · 07-28-2007, 10:21 AM

Ok, I do get confused with language spellings, tend to keep my own.

Baron · 07-28-2007, 12:11 PM

Followed all your points but one, Triq.

dannyboy · 07-28-2007, 07:11 PM

If this was my poem I would now take this poem and put it on one side of the page

on the other side of the page I'd find an image that matches what this poem is saying with this poem (because the what is great, the how is not).

When I had the image I'd detele this poem.

I think nmay times all of us forget this step - it is the hardest, and often takes the most time (the what is easy, the how is not) which may be why we often stop at the stage this poem is at.

I hope this helps. Its how I often attack these kind of poems.

Baron · 07-28-2007, 07:16 PM

Thanks for the comment Dannyboy. Interesting that you mention images because the poem was written to accompany the print of a painting.