Hidden in Highways - Writers Forum

mandax · 07-23-2007, 12:47 AM

The darkness hid the pouring rain --
The streets took all they could sustain.
But they were pleased the clouds could vent,
Creating mirrors from cement.

Reflections emphasized the lights,
Whose beauty was revealed at night.
Across the roads were scattered jewels,
That made the night not seem so cruel.

Some opals glistened through the storm;
The diamonds lined in steady form;
Some emeralds shone through the dark;
The rubies strove to leave their mark

as if all fallen from a crown,
That had been lost and buried down,
But floated out of soil thick --
Released by rain and there to stick.

cygnet · 07-23-2007, 12:58 AM

Insightful poem and a very original way of looking at rain in the city. The only comment I have that the transition from third stanza to the forth is awkward to me, anyway. You could make third stanza consist of five lines and the fourth one three, and i think the poem would flow better and not lose anything and definitely gain some...

apple · 07-23-2007, 02:27 AM

Your poem is visual and i could certainly feel the rain coming down. Very nice.

LemonLime · 07-23-2007, 01:03 PM

I agree with apple. I could really feel the words coming to life. Lovely!

mandax · 07-23-2007, 06:29 PM

Thank you all! It means a lot to know you liked it. =] I'll work on that transition, cygnet.

abba12 · 07-24-2007, 12:27 AM

apart from the typos

your poem was very good, very visual. i could see myself walking down a street at night, road shining from the reflection of the street lights and the rain all around. beautiful

earo689 · 07-24-2007, 12:31 AM

"But they were pleased the clouds count vent,
Creating mirrors from cement."

I love this line.

so visual.

great job!

mandax · 07-24-2007, 05:11 PM

Thank you both! And I fixed the typos, abba12, hahaha. I saw them and threw up, basically. I can't believe I let that happen. =/ Oh well, haha, glad you all enjoyed it! =D

curvatures · 07-25-2007, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandax

The darkness hid the pouring rain --
The streets took all they could sustain. Very good beginning =)
But they were pleased the clouds count vent, count? is this a typo? if not I'm not sure if it was the best word to use.
Creating mirrors from cement.

Reflections emphasized the lights,
Whose beauty was revealed at night.
Across the roads were scattered jewels,
That made the night not seem so cruel. This line sort of tripped me up, the flow got a little rocky.

Some opals glistened through the storm;
The diamonds lined in steady form;
Some emeralds shone through the dark;
The rubies strove to leave their mark This stanza is beautiful

as if all fallen from a crown, Again the flow became a little choppy here and it felt or read a little forced here for me
That had been lost and buried down,
But floated out of soil thick --
Released by rain and there to stick.

Over all I like the idea and the images created in this were very pleasing. Those first two lines shocked me on first read, I actually read it twice before moving on. Nice (=

Triquediqual · 07-25-2007, 04:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandax

The darkness hid the pouring rain --
The streets took all they could sustain.
But they were pleased the clouds count vent, Count Vent?
Creating mirrors from cement. Good Imagery, good stanza.

Reflections emphasized the lights,
Whose beauty was revealed at night.
Across the roads were scattered jewels, What are the jewels representing?
That made the night not seem so cruel. Seems like a forced rhyme here.

Some opals glistened through the storm;
The diamonds lined in steady form;
Some emeralds shone through the dark;
The rubies strove to leave their mark This stanza is well written but it disrupted the flow of the poem.

as if all fallen from a crown,
That had been lost and buried down,
But floated out of soil thick --
Released by rain and there to stick. Stick as a very dismissive word and I don't like it, it's a forced rhyme again. Apart from that the stanza is fine.

Good! Keep writing!!

Ilasir Maroa · 07-25-2007, 12:49 PM

very visual, though the images were weird at times. The rubies and emeralds were confusing. Try not to force a common structure.

mandax · 07-25-2007, 09:47 PM

Ah, yes, "count" is definitely a typo. I have NO idea how I typed that. It's supposed to be "could" and it's been fixed. Thank you for pointing that out for me.

I'm very, very glad there were so many critiques on this poem, and even more glad they were all positive. =D Thank you very much to all who responded.

Oh, and Ilasir Maroa, I put the rubies and emeralds there purposely. I thought about all the colors I see on the streets when it's dark ... and the red of the rubies is from the red stop lights and the break lights ... the green from the green traffic light.

Ilasir Maroa · 07-25-2007, 10:47 PM

lol, duh... i feel dumb. also, what time of night is this?

mandax · 07-26-2007, 04:32 PM

Lol, don't feel dumb. Ah, it can be any time of deep night, when it's pitch black outside.

Ilasir Maroa · 07-26-2007, 11:06 PM

perfect then.