The Night Sounds of a City - Writers Forum

Farror · 07-21-2007, 09:19 PM

As the night I stand,
eyes lightly closed
my breathing
as shallow as I can make it.
Try hard to resist
guessing at the melody,
far enough away
to be nothing more
than a driving rhythm
of low-to-high notes.

Close my eyes against
the sight of the source
of the low mumbling hubbub,
and each voice becomes
a choir of perfect white noise,
punctured on occasion
by the bellowing bray
of impatient car horns.

LemonLime · 07-22-2007, 02:04 PM

I have not figured out how to quote yet... I was a little confused with this portion:

"Try hard to resist
guessing at the melody"

The meaning behind the lines are not clear with me.

Though, I did not find it hard to get into the mood of the creation. It is well written.

Farror · 07-22-2007, 07:41 PM

I'm reffering to that melody for the rest of that stanza. It's the sound of music far enough away that it's simply a base line, with stray notes drifting over occasionally to where I can hear them.

Mira · 07-28-2007, 11:42 PM

I think this is a lovely poem, with a really nice flow to it. I particularly like the part about how "each voice becomes a choir of perfect white noise." (I am also having a bit of trouble with how to quote!)

The only line that somehow throws me off is the first one, "As the night I stand?" What exactly do you mean by that?

Farror · 07-29-2007, 01:50 AM

To quote, simply add the tags [quote']quoted text here[/quote]

(remember to remove the ' from the first quote.

Baron · 07-29-2007, 09:17 AM

Enjoyed the poem.

Farror · 07-29-2007, 12:25 PM

Glad to hear it. As for the line

Quote:

as the night I stand

I'm trying to say that the person who feels this way is trying to be the night, as a part of it.

Triquediqual · 07-29-2007, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Farror

I read the comments on this poem, and they mainly seem to be saying it's very good, let's hope so !! Also I have never seen poetry from you yet, so I look forward to critiquing this.

As the night I stand,I don't like this, it's awkward, and seems forced to be poetic. I always think an effective beginning is a simple one yet this defies this and makes it awkward to read and say.
eyes lightly closed Syllabic is 5,4....I'm not really a fan of lowering syllables for the second line as I think it should be equal to line one. As for the sentence, it doesn't mix well with line 1 and seems redundant to be honest.
my breathing 5,4,3....It shows here, it's written bad these 3 lines are.
as shallow as I can make it. Then it becomes 5,4,3,8 which is a huge jump and the flow is really suffering here. I presume you haven't written much poetry before?
Try hard to resist
guessing at the melody,I found these two lines awkward and lame. I don't really understand what it means either. To fix flow slightly, you should have said Trying not Try. Even so, these two lines needs changing.
far enough away
to be nothing more
than a driving rhythm
of low-to-high notes. For 4 lines, you haven't done much with these, it's terribly boring with hardly any story/emotion/meaning or technique.

Close my eyes against
the sight of the source
of the low mumbling hubbub,
and each voice becomes I'm never a fan of "And" at the start and only in exceptional cases, one of which doesn't work here. Even so, the first two lines created a nice image here.
a choir of perfect white noise, Why white? I can't see the relevance.
punctured on occasion
by the bellowing bray
of impatient car horns. I don't like this conclusion of car-horns, could be improved I think."Punctured on occasion" is good though.

Overall, I think it was crap. For one of this length, it could have been better with more interesting wording, technique and the flow was awful in this poem. You had some good parts but the bad embraced it's feeling more here.

Personally, I don't think you can improve it dramatically due to the tight structure and the theme but I will never really like it given the changes anyway as it will never become great.

Like I said, you seem to be novice to poetry, no?

Baron · 07-29-2007, 01:43 PM

I think you're being a bit harsh Triq

Triquediqual · 07-29-2007, 01:47 PM

I think the actual critique I provided on the individual lines is very helpful, maybe saying the poem is crap is harsh, but that's my overall opinion. Sorry.

Farror · 07-29-2007, 02:59 PM

Thanks for the crit Tirquediqual. I appreciate the depth of effort you put into it. Although I'm not quite a novice, or new to poetry (I've been writting poetry for five years), I always believe that I've got lots to learn. However, I don't agree with your overall evaluation of my poem, or my skills.

As for the white noise, it's an expression, signifying empty noise, without meaning. It's often thought to be very soothing.

Thanks a lot for your time.

Triquediqual · 07-29-2007, 04:22 PM

Yes, makes sense now. I'm writing poetry 3 weeks by the way.

As for the PM you sent me, that was an exquisite poem of absolute perfection, the near opposite of this.

I still think your poem was crap.

Baron · 07-29-2007, 04:27 PM

Triq I love your honesty even when I disgree

Triquediqual · 07-29-2007, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Farror

I don't agree with your overall evaluation of my poem

Azmakna once told me " Learn to hate your poetry ", as this helps you to improve, take this with a pinch of azmakna salt.