Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
07-21-2007, 08:55 PM
|
#1
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bay Area, California
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
|
Jealous Thoughts in the Heat of Summer
Gin in tea cups
august laughs raindrops
hot and misty
lace and corsets
ropes tied tight around
delicate necks
an afternoon that
drags on softly like
the hum of a radio
in another room
one for my favorite season.
|
|
|
|
07-21-2007, 09:00 PM
|
#2
|
|
Adept Writer
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: MI, USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 865
|
In both the poems I read from you, your imagery is amazing. I like this simpler one better, but that may be just a matter of opinion.
Quote:
drags on softly like
the hum of a radio
|
I like what you're saying here, but I feel like the "like" throws it off a bit. Maybe placed wrong? I'm not sure.
Quote:
august laughs raindrops
hot and misty
|
I dig this line.
Very visual, very appealing to the senses.
__________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
|
|
|
|
|
07-21-2007, 09:03 PM
|
#3
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bay Area, California
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
|
Thank you for your input, I will sit on the idea of changing the third stanza to nix the word "like". I just do not wish to take away from the simplicity of it. Too wordy, and it will be ugly.
|
|
|
|
|
07-23-2007, 01:34 AM
|
#4
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 125
|
If you get rid of 'that' in the end of first line of the third stanza and then get rid of 'like' in the second line of same, you will get more concise and more powerful poem. Me thinks, try it.
|
|
|
|
|
07-23-2007, 03:31 AM
|
#5
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 435
|
I, too, love the simplicity. Wonderful.
|
|
|
|
|
07-23-2007, 06:34 PM
|
#6
|
|
Addict
Join Date: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 136
|
Gorgeous imagery. All tinkly and murmury and sensual. Nice one.
Yeah you could make it tighter, but do you need to?
X
|
|
|
|
|
07-23-2007, 09:37 PM
|
#7
|
|
Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: san francisco, ca.
Gender: Male
Posts: 504
|
yeah, this is a nice little slice of summer.
j.jd.
|
|
|
|
|
07-23-2007, 10:00 PM
|
#8
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bay Area, California
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by cygnet
If you get rid of 'that' in the end of first line of the third stanza and then get rid of 'like' in the second line of same, you will get more concise and more powerful poem. Me thinks, try it.
|
an afternoon
drags on softly
the hum of a radio
in another room
see I just don't think it is saying the same thing.. I want the afternoon to drag on softly like that of a radio in another room. When I take out those key words then it just seems like random thoughts or random pieces of imagery not really tied together. I think I'll keep it the way it is for now, perhaps I can find a better way to say it hehe. But thank you very much for making me take a closer look at my wording. |
|
|
|
|
07-23-2007, 11:22 PM
|
#9
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 125
|
well you could try
an afternoon
drags on softly;
humming of the radio
in another room
__________________
'What I see is real:
four weightless poplars
planted in vertigo'
Octavio Paz
|
|
|
|
|
07-24-2007, 12:31 AM
|
#10
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bay Area, California
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
|
You know cygnet, that is not bad at all, I guess I've just grown attached to it the way it was. Thank you so much for putting in the time to give me a new idea for my poem. I'm going to read them both aloud and see how it sounds. (=
|
|
|
|
|
07-24-2007, 12:37 AM
|
#11
|
|
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 11
|
i like it.
my favorite is the play on words:
"in the heat of summer"
good job
|
|
|
|
|
07-24-2007, 12:57 AM
|
#12
|
|
Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: QLD, Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 44
|
i love it. sometimes its the simplest poems that give the most impact, and this is very appealing to sences and gets you visualising the scenes
|
|
|
|
|
07-24-2007, 01:05 AM
|
#13
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bay Area, California
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
|
Thank you earo689 (=
And I'm glad you could delve into this for a moment abba12
|
|
|
|
|
07-24-2007, 02:33 PM
|
#14
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 76
|
Very nice. Good imagery, naughty yet tasteful. Good job!
|
|
|
|
|
07-24-2007, 04:09 PM
|
#15
|
|
Best Seller
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Deep Depths of Hell
Gender: Male
Posts: 673
|
Good poem, yes I agree that the simpler poems seem better; maybe only because we understand them.
Even so, it's good here.
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:05 PM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
