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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
07-09-2007, 04:49 PM
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#1
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Can they, I?
I am nake-snake;
worship Mao
Last edited by Voodoo : 10-21-2007 at 03:54 PM.
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07-09-2007, 08:41 PM
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#2
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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tossle.
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07-09-2007, 10:11 PM
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#3
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Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Iceland
Gender: Male
Posts: 22
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I am one of many
servant of none,
Observing chained flyers
slave to everyone
broken by degrees and cut
like meat, to the
bidder's highest fee.
Interesting look into death.
I like it. As far as advice I am not sure that I can give it. This does not have a voice like some of your other work.
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07-09-2007, 10:16 PM
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#4
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Yeah, my problem...
I see some half assed thing in this, but I can't bring it out.
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07-09-2007, 11:35 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,720
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Hmmm...good...I need to look at this again...give me some time, oK?
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07-10-2007, 07:08 AM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,720
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Quote:
Originally Posted by German Voodoo
[Not too sure about this one, it's not inspired and I couldn't do anything with it. I'd appreciate any help.]
Buried chanting people
equivalent to corpses alive
rage against the grain
the water,
the stream oppressive.
This verse here...somehow, I just can't find the connection to the rest of the poem, except for perhaps the last 3 lines.
I ask a prophet
'Can they? <-- what's that '?' there for? ever rebel
until the sky meets the dirt?'
My reply, 'They will love their
hurt.'
'You speak of love like
a word made common.'
'You speak of life as if it weren't
crafted to litter the ground.'
Neither I nor the wiseman
broach the dreams,
shared by all the oppressed
beings, wrought to serve
and give their flesh.
Break their backs
over a master's bread.
I am one of many
servant of none,
Observing chained flyers
slave to everyone
broken by degrees and cut
like meat, to the
bidder's highest fee.
Wages of diluted passion
and sweat, they form my
own man's economy
and then pass away.
Solid, solid chiming slugs
ring their metal warning
Lives, a simple twine
hanging from a falling pin.
It's the easiest of things
to grasp, but every clutching idea
is shaven clean, empty again.
Sysiphus paradigm
sleep cycle
sleep cycle
I'm in a blindness
a state of being
masked, like the rest of my
sightless brethren.
The prophet retorts
'Shall it begin with an end,
to meet your fresh death
nonsense to flutter by
in greetings of your fate
your person, your tormentor.
You've no power but to be,
no reason not to be free.
Kill for it, die for it."
I take my reason firm in hand
and cut my twine
free to be blind.
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lol. Other than that, everything is perfectly comprehensible now. |
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07-10-2007, 07:11 AM
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#7
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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Two questions in can they"
As in, can they succeed and can they even try?
The first stanza serves as an opener, as it should. it describes the "people." Still don't like it.
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10-21-2007, 03:50 PM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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You're probably going to hate me for this Jeremy but I thought that this one deserved another airing.
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10-21-2007, 03:52 PM
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#9
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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No no, I welcome critique, review, airing, and foulbrood.
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10-21-2007, 03:58 PM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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Quote:
Originally Posted by German Voodoo
No no, I welcome critique, review, airing, and foulbrood.
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Why have you deleted the poem? |
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10-21-2007, 04:01 PM
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#11
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Banned
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Location: Nashville
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I edited it, actually. Think it "flows" better.
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10-21-2007, 04:03 PM
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#12
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,903
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Quote:
Originally Posted by German Voodoo
I edited it, actually. Think it "flows" better.
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Certainly a short. |
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10-21-2007, 04:03 PM
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#13
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
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Eastern poetry of the grandest sort
[/spam]
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10-21-2007, 04:24 PM
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#14
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,675
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Made me snort.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-21-2007, 04:24 PM
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#15
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nashville
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,711
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'ffaw.
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