WritingForum

The Ballad of Sir O' Riley's Side


I. Awful-red

The ol' Saint Patrick's battalion
.- ---.Was at wits end with war;
For day and night they kept from runnin'
.- ---.But found only a scar.

Once, while Sir John was sleepin' calm,
.----.He woke and hated war;
For day and night it gave him qualm
.- - -.And made him think of home.

He knelt and prayed that it would end,
.- ---.Let roll a single tear,
And rode his trusty horse, Sir Spend,
.- --.Round mountain cliffs so sheer.

Make haste, make haste dear men, he said:
.- --.Defecting to the spirit's wind—
Make haste, make haste: bury the dead,
.- --.Lo, we have to go downwind.

I fear that we, us men, shall part,
.- ---.This still and awful-red;
I fear that we, the damned of heart,
.- ---.Have little to behead

Except that most awful horror,
.- --.The folly that we do.
Like ship, like wind, men raise anchor;
.-- --.For I fear a peaceful storm.

With that, those words, he rose above
.--- -.And walked upon the sand,
Stirring the rock pigeons and doves
.-- --.From roosts that hadn't been.

II. Again

Swiftly, swiftly the moon arose
---With John O' Riley's kin
And drifted o're the meadows
---Warning of the thin
And terrible emerging foe;
---Warning of lynchin'
That would surly go unexposed
---Warning of the end.

III. The End

Sadly, sadly the good Sir died.
.---.(the men go down with the ship)
Good Sir O' Riley couldn't hide,
.---.Nor could his ill fated men.

Sadly, Saint Patrick's battalion,
.---.Branded terrible—
Branded traitors by vermin,
.---.Let roll a single tear.

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Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

Voodoo

I enjoyed the imagery immensely. I know nothing about this form of poetry, WritingForum, so what I say next may not be true, but the rhyming was rocky. A lot of what you wrote stumbled. But that may be the point of this, I've little idea.

I think the rock pigeons and nonexistent roosts was great.

WritingForum

Thank you, G Voodoo. I wrote this loosely based off a little known event that happened durring the Mexican American war, the most bloody war in U.S. history. Although it does lack in some parts in its acount of what happened , It holds up on poetical grounds and I enjoyed writing it a lot. Glad you enjoyed the images, I tried to mix images of "battalions" with more sailor like images and sounds... It must have worked. Could you or someone else maybe point out the rhymes that feel "rocky?"

Hehe, yes good image with the pigeons.

Thanks GV,
JP.

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

Voodoo

Make haste, make haste dear men, he said:
.- --.Defecting to the spirit's wind—
Make haste, make haste: bury the dead,
.- --.Lo, we have to go downwind.

Men is forced to rhyme with wind, which in turn half rhymes with downwind. Its not a subtlety.

The overall flow is meant to be read aloud, and thus the reader is expected to rhyme the coinciding lines. However, despite the suggestion, they can't.

Some of it didn't make much sense, or rather, didn't progress the poem. "We have little behead," seems forced. But I can't say anything about the progression of a story, being stagnant as I am...

dannyboy

that first 2 stanzas, is the meter right there (it could be my accent) particularly the last line of S1?

otherwise I thought it flowed wel. Good job.

WritingForum

Dannyboy, what do you mean by, "that first 2 stanzas, is the meter right there?" Is this a complent I am not getting, or a remark on the setting up of the metre?

Actually, funny you mention accents, I always find myself reading this poem with an irish accent (I don't know why).


I don't like the last line of S1, and am planning on finding something more fiting; I dunno maybe a rework of the first two stanzas in order?


Thanks,
jp

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

WritingForum

G Voodoo, I will have to think about whether or not to change the internal rhyme, I see your point tho. No, it is not a subtlety; it is right there for all to see. Not sure.

"have little behead," was actually intented culturaly, as was a lot of this poem.


Anywho, thank you. There will be edits coming.

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

dannyboy

I would, they are not (to my ear) as polished as the rest of the poem. The rest rolls off the toingue but those first two, while good, just are as good as the rest.