WritingForum

My Dear, My Dear (after an ancient native american form of poetry)


---------If I love you, my Dear,
----------------Then kisses mean
--------------Thou seest the sweet birds in may

If you love me, my Dear,
-----Then distances means
---Thou knowest the sweet coming day.

If we love each, my Dear,
-----Then breathing means
---Together we’ll resemble dreams

-----Of things that oft
-------Cannot be reached
-----By being punctually old flames.

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

Midnight Runner

Cool! I've never read anything quite like this. A few things I noticed:

In the second and third stanzas, I think you want to spell it 'then', like you did the first.

I wouldn't touch the last two stanzas. But the final lines in the first two...I know it's hard to edit poems when you've already worked out the words, but sweet birds in may seems a bit trite, especially when you finish up that well. And if you edit sweet birds in may you'll probably have to edit a bit in the second stanza as well.

But this sings I like it.

WritingForum

Oh my, I must have been tired when I "finished" this poem up. And thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it, good to hear that it sings to you.

It only has one other example in english and was quite intesting to form, so would have to go back and find the information I read back when writing it to attempt* any sort of rewrite.

I read the ol' world sound of those two lines and despite the, I still like poem. I was trying for that sounds, and still have yet to find a way to tone it down; it was an attemp a holding on to some of the native feel of it.

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

Nancy

Love the visuals. Sweet birds in May worked for me! It sounds sort of old fashioned, which really works with the format.

WritingForum

Nancy, I am glad you enjoyed the poem and thanks for the conformation. Glad you posted, I'll return the favor.

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________

Blackviolet

I really enjoyed this. Keep up the good work. I've never read anything remotely like this and that's always good. Love is a hard topic to write on since everyone and their grandmother have done it. Excellent work.

Azmakna

this feelseth out of dateth. nice but not for this century.

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

Shawn

Modern English never falls out of date.

__________________
Critique?
Applebee's
www.theoddvillepress.com

Azmakna

i'm affraid it does.

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

Shawn

Words like "thou" and adding "est" after words are aesthetic devices used for iambics or adding to syllable counts. They were probably used for those reasons... at least if this is a metered form. No one has ever actually talked like that day to day.

__________________
Critique?
Applebee's
www.theoddvillepress.com

Azmakna

you said it: 'devices' like writing 'up the hill i go' because you want to rhyme with slow. the language leaves me cold.

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

Shawn

Bah. It's no use arguing.

__________________
Critique?
Applebee's
www.theoddvillepress.com

Azmakna

lol... 'Bah'? lol. you are right of course, but i wasn't arguing

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

WritingForum

Rights, I was just flamed.

__________________
Now reading:

• Douglas Adams - Mostly Harmless
  

Private Joke

O I loath the symbolism of the Corvette quarter;
It says, look how in bed we are with corporate!
_____________________________________________________________________________ ________