FollowingShadow

A Hard-on and a Condom

“I have a hard-on and a condom.
We could do it real quick,”
I said.

She said no.

I plied again.

She said no.

I plied again, showing what I had.

She said no, but reluctantly.

I plied again, showing--
she relented.

And as we started, she said,
half-hearted,
“I'm too dry, I don’t know how
you’ll get it in. Oh. Well, yeah,
you could do it like that…”

So I did. I went, tried and pushed
but something pushed me back.

I felt her eyes on me, pushing at
my face.

So I stopped. I looked her in the eyes
and I never was more terrified
to see her baby-blues.

In those jewels I saw rocks,
flints,
my thrusts striking sparks, those sparks
striking forth from her
irises into my hard-on like
fucking lightning.

I saw those raw sparks
of hatred.

Oh, I’ve never lost it so quick as that.

She said: “No, babe, keep going. I’ll
get into it in a sec.”

I said no.

She plied again, half-hearted.

I said no.

She pleaded.

I said no firmly.

She cried at it then and they shuddered my heart,
her wet tears and she rolled over away from me
and I knew then exactly—

exactly—

what species of dogshit I was.

Now I’ve tossed
all my condoms in the garbage.
I don’t know when
if ever
I’ll be able to get it up again,

or whether I’ll enjoy it
if I do.

Inkwad

Hi.
I really like this fs. I love the rawness of it. Some poems feel really exhausted to me where they've been so worked before getting to this site, and they're all bruised and limping along with the effort of it all. But this is still fresh.
I like it that the imagery is limited to the actual act and everything else is told, it's a brilliant contrast and good imagery - not too poncey but romantic enough. It somehow gets across a feeling of vulnerability really well.
That's about as technical as I get I'm afraid, I'll leave the "critique" to others better qualified than I, but on that total cop out comment, I would add that the last stanza seems weaker than the rest.
And actually mebbe the title could be re-thunk.
And then I ran away....
Nice one though.
X

FollowingShadow

Never thanked you for reading my work, did I, inkwad? I'm sorry it's taken so long. Your reactions as a reader are invaluable-- don't sell yourself short. Thank you for reading and posting your thoughts.

And just so this isn't a self-serving bump, a little commentary:

I wrote this poem as a reaction to an episode I had with a girl I love. We broke up six months ago. This poem is almost a year old. I've since written another reaction piece about her absence, which I might post later.

I like the contrast in the poem, which ink caught onto, the realist romance and the unfortunate consequences of a self-indulgent urge (sounds like the rest of my poetry, haha).
I don't like a few cliche'd lines and I don't like the length. Could be shorter.

Update: Actually, I tried deleting this thread and found I couldn't. I think I'll be in touch with a moderator about closing it. Until then, enjoy.

SadLuckDame

Hey FS, what vulnerability, frustration, and brutal honesty. I thought it was great. One of my favorite poets is C. Bukowski and this reminded me of his blunt, but reality style.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Jastin

When Writing About things like this, Theres always a fine line Between Art and Obscenity.

Knowing Which is which is Important, And You Certainly Know It.

It does feel Very Blunt. You really made me feel it. I felt Ashamed OF myself after reading it and didn't even Do anything wrong. Good Job Man, Really good show.

DarkThrone

Am I the only one who thinks that poem was a little...weird?

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Malone

You must be the man that lives inside my head. You've clearly been watching my life to have written something so perfectly apt. I don't use condoms...but the rest is the same. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
I mean, this is like line for line dialogue of what I said/she said when I had this same situation, again and again. I guess the only difference for me is, it didn't stop me from getting my rocks off.
Well fucking done.

__________________
There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed


Malone's Mind
Everyday Madness Kindle Edition

DarkThrone

Now I'm officially creeped out.

__________________

Mirror

Please don't delete it, F.S. This is the best poem I have read in a while in this environment. Raw and vulnerable, others have noted. For me, it quivers and halts, vacillating until one hits the ground, crushed. All doubts are counted one by one and reshuffled incessantly. I've printed this one out. As someone who has written erotic poems for years and years, you've no idea how much I appreciate it.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

FollowingShadow

Thanks for reading, guys.

Sad- Brutal honesty was the mood in which this piece was written and is now a maxim of mine whenever I write. I'm glad that came across.

Jastin- I'm always pushing and pulling at that line, trying to find it exactly. I'm sure I'll have missed it for some, but you say that others will enjoy. Thanks for that.

Malone- This poem has a romantic aspect and an unromantic aspect and woven between both is a layer of humility. Thanks for the read.

DT- See, I don't always get it right. Try this: Wikipedia 'obscenism' and see what you get. As near as I can understand it, obscenism is that which intends to put the audience ill at ease. I wish I could tell you that I didn't mean to be obscene with this poem, but that's just not the case. I think I wanted a bit of that creepiness. Thanks for reading, though. =)

FollowingShadow

Oh, and Mirror- I really appreciate your advice, artist to artist. If you approve of this peice (especially as an artist with experience with the erotic), I think I'll leave it. Your praise means much. Thank you.

DarkThrone

Now don't get me wrong FollowingShadow. I thought the poem was very honest and vulnerable. Good work overall, I personally just thought it a little different.

__________________

SadLuckDame

Oh yeah, don't go deleting this piece. I don't have a working printer, if I did, I'd print it out too.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

FollowingShadow

I think I'd like to delete it, simply out of respect for the woman involved. If you'd like a copy, I would be happy to PM you.