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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
06-05-2007, 08:59 AM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 136
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Life skills
"Don't you fucking swear at me!"
A sweet request, a gentle plea
from loving mum to doting child
a message clearly, firmly styled
to impart wisdom learned of old
advice absorbed and then retold
enforced with slaps from reddened hands
to show the mother understands
the constructs of internal feeling
the kinesthetic detail sealing
comprehension of a rule
(these days never taught at school)
that so long as whilst a child you know
the sub-plot of portentous show
You won't grow up too soft to cope
with disappointment fuelled by hope.
X
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06-05-2007, 09:04 AM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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not bad, the meter seems to hold throughout and matches the subject.
lose two lines and you'd have a strong sonnet of rhyming couplets here - though a change in thought might be needed in lines 7/8
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06-05-2007, 09:14 AM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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very nice indeed
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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06-06-2007, 03:51 AM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 136
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Ta very much chaps.
I'm a bit of a bugger for making up my own rules, never have been very good at conforming to trad...
X
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06-06-2007, 03:58 AM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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sonnets are fairly loose with their rules - 'cept maybe tyhat bit about 14 lines but seeing as how you're writing in rhyming couplets it could be done fairly easily.
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06-06-2007, 04:08 AM
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#6
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Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 45
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Like it...
Am not at all technical enough to comment on compositon, structure etc. It reads well, sounds good to me!
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06-06-2007, 08:38 AM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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just 'the subplot of portentous show' seems a little recondite
being as it is the point of the 'lesson'.
otherwise, pretty fucking brilliant
cheers
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06-06-2007, 07:27 PM
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#8
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Addict
Join Date: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 136
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Blimey. Ta.
excuse me while I blush and shuffle my feet round a bit...
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06-07-2007, 04:32 AM
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#9
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Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 2
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Another cracker from inkwad! I do love the way you write, can't comment on all the technical stuff (bit thick me innit) but you certainly have a way with words. More please!!! x
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