My love, My ocean (sorry, I meant to post it in here) - Writers Forum

skyler · 05-17-2007, 06:32 PM

My love, My ocean

I'm looking for the key.
It was lost during eternity...
Partly because I threw it,
In the ocean of my tears.

I'm standing at the shore,
In disbelief of what was lost.
As far as the eye can see,
Who could measure what we had?

The beautiful shells at my feet, brought in by the tide....
stretch the ocean wide.
Gently lift them, Natalie, and hear; they carry the ocean's sound:
All the songs etched in my heart
Yearning, longing, to reach your ear

Faintly, oh so faintly, a glimmer of your love
It beckons me within--I musn't, but I must go in.

The raging waves, breaking across my body
Reminding me of that strength, that strength in our love.
This rememberance, this overpowering current,
It pulls me under.

I'm swimming, I'm searching
The depths of this ocean.

Sunken treasures.
They fill my eyes.
All your smiles, the finest rubies
Your every touch, the purest gold....
These treasures, they can't be sold.

The deeper I swim, the more breath I lose.
I remember now when you left.
The breath of my life, it left with you.

I look on for the key; my strength, my body, it is collapsing....but I can still hear my heart beat.

Deep beneath the ocean, hidden beneath the sand...
Shells woven together..
Precious Pearls, they unfold...
The secrets shared..
Nothing from you, would I withold.

I fight, and I fight
I fight this endless sand.
The weight of a mountain,
Trying to move it with my hand.

I hear the whisper
But I can't listen...I just can't listen...
"Let go Stephan...Let go...
Let go before you drown..."

no...no...

For all of eternity...
I would search this endless ocean.
Just to find the key...
To take me back to your love.

But then, restlessly fighting fate for you...
my heart stopped.
As I finally realized...
the lock had been changed.

temptryst · 05-17-2007, 06:43 PM

I really like this poem

I like the ending especially. To me, you could change a few things so that it would flow better but the content is great

skyler · 05-17-2007, 07:24 PM

Thanks.

Yea, I mean I struggled with just getting it to the flow it has now. Were there any specific spots that really caught your eye?

btw, as a girl...if your x, who you never had closure with, gave you this poem...how would you take it?

mandax · 05-17-2007, 07:58 PM

This is cute. There are some cliche aspects to it, but it's still cute. Personally, I would like more structure to it, and I never liked inconsistant rhyme schemes, but maybe that's just me. Oh, and I would suggest not using so many ellipses. It's kind of distracting and annoying.

skyler · 05-18-2007, 11:20 AM

Thanks man. I wasn't really looking for cute, but hey, it's better than bad

Yea, one part that I struggled with was,

"Deep beneath the ocean, hidden beneath the sand...
Shells woven together..
Precious Pearls, they unfold...
The secrets shared..
Nothing from you, would I withold."

I was trying to use the imagery of shells together as our hearts together, and the secrets shared between our hearts as the pearls between the shells, but I was sorta having problems getting that to come out, so maybe I just left too much open. I know how sometimes you don't want to give too much, you know? Fine lines I guess.

Then the last line...well, it was meant to be ellipsed like that to get both meanings across. The fact that I opened up the deep parts of my heart to her, "the secrets shared," but also how even now, I would still give her my heart. I'm still learning. Thanks for the advice.

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-18-2007, 11:27 AM

I liked this poem. It was simple, but there is nothing wrong with that. I really liked the last stanza. I would recommend working backwards from that and editing it a little. I like the idea of the lock, good imagery.

Well Done.

PS-as a woman, I think you should writes this for your own closure. Women are crazy and you can never predict what they are going to think. Trust in yourself and be ready to move on. It will all work out.

temptryst · 05-18-2007, 12:54 PM

Hmm, well its difficult to point out specific spots here and there. Overall there's a general jaggedness to how you read it- it reads more like a paragraph. However, due to its content, I really don't think you have to worry about it. It doesn't really take away from the poem that much at all

And hmm I've never had that situation really... I've just had a bunch of weird situations (lol) so I can't relate exactly

skyler · 05-18-2007, 01:36 PM

Thanks Charlie. Yea, I mean I dunno. I just couldn't do the closure thing, and so I never really got to say what I had to say. That part about the songs etched in my heart's probably a lot closer to the truth than you think. I dunno, I doubt giving her the poem would do it justice. At best, it'd still be less than what was.

lol, well thanks anyways temp. Yea, I guess it has a certain flow when I read it that others wouldn't notice, you know? I can follow the rhythm of my heart, so it gives me a kind of edge

Not much good for readers, but that's cool you still like it.