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Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-29-2007, 10:17 PM   #1
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I know it isnt good, but I want to get better, im only 32

Take me back to that place
Where the world was fair and had no pain
The magical land where the sun shone down
The children laughed, not seeing the line that would soon appear

We were so innocent, each as oblivious as the next
Life was so easy, we couldn’t understand why everyone else was so angry at the world
We had such big dreams, we would be free and achieve our dreams
But that line appeared
The hate came quickly like a lion going for prey Our best friends became enemies
Angry words were spoken to the children we such big dreams with We can prevent that line of hate from appreing in their lives
Don’t let the curtain of hope close
For there is so much love we need

Last edited by Monalisasmile1 : 04-30-2007 at 07:58 PM.
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Old 04-29-2007, 11:47 PM   #2
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The two uses of "that" in line 4 make it a clunker.

Line 10 is also a bit unexpected, considering the rest of the poem: the "Our" after "prey". It might be that you forgot to press Enter, but I still like this. It demonstrates how quickly the hate came, without even a period!

The "\" got me. Not sure what you're going for here. Is this that line of hate?
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Old 04-30-2007, 07:21 PM   #3
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Ya

It got messes up when I copyed it.
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