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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-28-2007, 04:24 PM   #1
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Mid-December Grey Blues

Cage door barroom philosophy monger,
Doldrums drool face mumbling slumber,
Mid-December grey blues punching in the number,
Time-clock government schlock occupational plumber.

Wage slave engaged, displaying all his feathers,
Remember all the good times amidst foul weather,
Tethered to the suburbs, kvetching all the way,
To the train of discipline, before it rendered you a slave.

Subject to projection of a thousand different faces,
Racing in the alley, Janus had nothing on this display,
Now a worm without a purpose dumpster diving for dinner,
While scrounging your way to the destruction of your liver.

Homeward bound stories weave tales of deprivation,
Degradation and frustration, machinations of a nation,
Middle class grass and lower class booze,
Cruising down the highway with the radio on snooze.

Good times sunny bunnies and summertime halcyon,
School day torture high school and sour milk calcium,
Passing by a Siren and calling out her name,
Video games and praying to gods whose vocation was to maim.

Violent obsessions yet peaceful tendencies,
Bringing a close to the poem and the reliving of memories.
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Old 04-28-2007, 04:34 PM   #2
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damn i love coming here to read your stuff it always is so vivid and great with word choice...
i quite like this
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Old 04-29-2007, 12:01 AM   #3
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Thanks a lot Gallivanting. Any critiques to improve this piece?
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Old 04-29-2007, 06:42 PM   #4
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S3 L3 the second a isn't needed.

I like this a lot, the images are all their and the line breaks seem very strong - some great choices have been made.

All I think this needs is not a very meticulous attention to your comma use.

Here I am thinking there are two ways to go (one of which maybe the way you've gone and its in your choices here that we may differ - and that doesn't mean you got it wrong either)

a) absolutely correct grammatical use of the comma - in which case sometimes it is absent when it should not be and sometimes it is present when it should not be.

b) use the comma when a pause is needed (may not neccessarily be grammatically needed) - the danger for me with this one (and is this the one you chose?) is that the irregular comma useage can make the reader begin to scan for the commas and note mentally when they are there and when they are not. If i was going down this path I would choose and absolute minimum of commas to try and deflate this tendency in a reader.

Otherwise I think this is all done and hopefully you are thinking of submitting this somewhere - in which case good luck.
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Old 04-30-2007, 09:36 PM   #5
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Thanks for your critique dannyboy.

I am of the opinion that the use of the comma within the sentences is essential for rhythmic purposes, though in retrospect I was a bit arbitrary in choosing where they went. I will fix that.

Thanks again.
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