Him - Writers Forum

Nellieann80 · 04-24-2007, 12:21 PM

Ok, I'm probably going to be torn to shreds for this (easy, db), but I'd be curious to see what you all think. It's a tad cliche, and a little out of character for me, but I'm putting it out there. I wrote this (not too long ago) and it's pretty self explanitory. It's sort of more free writing than it is an actual poem, but I've just been writing to get the feel for writing back...

On a side note, I think my style may be changing. That's an odd feeling.

I don’t know what love is.
What if I’m not meant for love?
What if I’m just a recluse?
What if he doesn’t really love me?
What if I don’t really love him?
What if I’m just an asshole?
What if I don’t deserve him?
So much judgment. So much to be judged for.
I love him.
But am I in love with him?
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
I didn’t move for him.
Was that a mistake?
I don’t know. I really don’t.
he’s so good.
So good.
So good on paper.
So good on me.
God.
I love him.
So much.
That it hurts.
Hurts to breathe.
Hurts to move.
Hurts not to move.
It just hurts.

Lingual_Puppeteer · 04-24-2007, 03:14 PM

I think you were absolutely right by saying that this poem is a little on the cliche side. The question portion in the first section of the poem just seems completely unecessary. These seem like questions that the reader should be asking rather than the poet.
"So good.
So good on paper."
I really liked these two lines, they stood out as the gem of the poem, imo.
In my opinion these are the changes that need to be done:
revamp the entire beginning - you're bombarding the reader with questions that he/she does not have the answer to. I understand that you're trying to convey confusion and question in your own life but I think you could do that without the abundance of "what if" questions.

I hope this helps! Nice ideas just needs some work.

Cheers,
LP

Nellieann80 · 04-24-2007, 03:43 PM

Totally understand. This isn't one of my favorites, to be honest. It was just raw, unedited free writing. I'm mostly just doing it to get back into the groove. Thanks for the tips! They are much appreciated.

Bucky24 · 04-24-2007, 04:36 PM

Quote:

you're bombarding the reader with questions that he/she does not have the answer to

Maybe it's just me, but I kinda like poems like that-they make you think a little.

Good writing-this poem make me think

Nellieann80 · 04-24-2007, 05:40 PM

thanks bucky!

dannyboy · 04-24-2007, 08:02 PM

na.

this writing goes in your notebook

and those questions you pose are for your creative juices to mull over (I think that is a mixed-metaphor)

its your (the poet) answers to these questions

your use of those answers in imagery, metaphor, ryhme, meter, enjambment etc that makes for poetry.

yes this is writing

but its the writing we all do for ourselves to start the creative process.

I think the actual poem lies somewhere in the line good on paper. That's the poem I want to read. Not the pre-poem ramblings.

Nellieann80 · 04-24-2007, 09:18 PM

db
I will definitely take that criticism and see what I can make out of that line.
thank you for your comments.

J.R. MacLean · 04-24-2007, 09:57 PM

You are circling around the poem with this.

It's there, waiting for you.

Start with the hurt you're telling about, and write from there.

Nellieann80 · 04-24-2007, 11:55 PM

Thanks J.R. I will work on it. I'll let you all know what I come up with.

Cran · 04-25-2007, 01:20 AM

Essentially, I agree with dannyboy and JR MacLean about this one, Nellieann80 ...

You seem to be at the beginning of exploring three intertwined mysteries:
one about you -
What if I’m not meant for love?
What if I’m just a recluse?
What if I’m just an asshole?
What if I don’t deserve him?

one about him -
What if he doesn’t really love me?
he’s so good.
So good.
So good on paper. [this really is a good line, by the way ...]
So good on me.

and one about the nature of love -
I don’t know what love is.
What if I don’t really love him?
I love him.
But am I in love with him?
I don’t know.

At the end of it, the reader has a lot of questions that can't be answered ...
the familiar aspects of the mysteries may stimulate sympathy
but not resolution ...