Lost Kosmonaut

You're welcome to tell me how terrible it is or ignore it. I won't bite.

hjhnmkl,

I don't feel grounded.
The earth drifts;
gravity won't pull, laws unfounded-
scientists are dumbfounded.

An extension of my mind
causes sheep, hurdling.
I will sleep until the unfurling,
interminable mindset rounds the last bend.

Where is the end so metaphorical?
paralleling death,
no question here rhetorical-
relativity humbly floats planets without answer.

I'm not losing my
mindful presence.
Here you stand, certainly further than;
where absolutely nothing can.

And although space is unworldly,
I find it's much closer to home.
Taking comfort in deleting the past
digital snapshot of linear reference.

But I can't.
Wonderful, unforgettable you.
When space collapses and time dead-ends
with this questionable universe

-of ours,
we make no amends.

graceful truth

The poem had ,for me, some nice moments and thoughts to ponder upon. Now, I see what Danny Boy meant about using more concrete images to get across your point of view (see DejaVu)...however, with the titel I was forewarned.

hjhnmkl,

I don't feel grounded.
The earth drifts;= wonderful beginning....thought provocative point of view
gravity won't pull, laws unfounded-
scientists are dumbfounded.= I understand the intention but the rhyme felt a bit forced and it took away some of the power for me

An extension of my mind
causes sheep, hurdling.
I will sleep until the unfurling,
interminable mindset rounds the last bend.=same comment as above,the sensation of rhymes forced.

Where is the end so metaphorical?
paralleling death,
no question here rhetorical-
relativity humbly floats planets without answer.=this for me was absolutely stunning...wish I wrote it!

I'm not losing my
mindful presence.=nice turn of words
Here you stand, certainly further than;
where absolutely nothing can.= again that damn rhyme! smile

And although space is unworldly,
I find it's much closer to home.= again wonderful line!!!that will is lost in the second two lines which completes the thought
Taking comfort in deleting the past
digital snapshot of linear reference.

But I can't.
Wonderful, unforgettable you.loved the turn about of words, it is powerful and makes the trite "I can't forget you" new ,nice
When space collapses and time dead-ends= nice imagery
with this questionable universe

-of ours,
we make no amends.[/quote]= now I lost it all, have no idea what you really wanted to say...I feel a bit like having eaten a beautifully presented meal, only to feel empty at the end. well maybe I exaggerate, but something like that.

hope this helps.
Graceful Truth

dannyboy

for me it makes many of the same mistakes as the other I looked at. I think it suffers from too much abstraction - now this is obviously a preference thing - the poems I look for create/explore their themes through concrete imagery.

My second problem with it is the rhyming. I know many people do not worry about the scheme when ryhming and I think the odd rhyme/half-rhyme or internal rhyme can create excellent meter and flow for a poem but to constantly change the ryhme, or so obviously strive to occasionally rhyme (I really am not sure which it is) throws the flow of your poems way out.

They become burs to my mouth as I say your poems out loud. It's a shame because I think you string some words together wonderfully well, but the 'clunkiness' of the rhymes ruin the effect for me.

In the particular I think GT's crit has nailed many of the specifics for me.

Lost Kosmonaut

I appreciate the feedback, and I think this is much better than my last one. The topic is drifting through lawless space through sleep, I guess then switching erratically to a relationship (still dreaming); when the dream ends, the problems are still there-the past relationship specifically. It's not much of a message but I had fun writing it.

I understand your point about rhyming. I don't like the constriction of a scheme but I suppose it might help the flow a little more.

penforhire

OMG Y U MAKE SO BAD TITLE?! AS BAD AS THIS HERE POST IT IS!

__________________
Always without desire we must be found,
if the deepest mystery we would sound,
but if desire within us be,
its outer fringe is all we shall see.

Lost Kosmonaut

... what?

edit: I think I get it. But fyi, thus far you've been really immature in your comments. Calling me a pussy, telling me that I want to be a writer (and will fail) when I clearly said I didn't want to be one, and here, calling me out on something as insignificant as a title. Cool down, back off. You're supposedly (according to your profile) four years older than me. Act like it.