Lost Kosmonaut

I decided to write some poetry. I haven't written any in a while, so I hope I did well.

Inconvenient Goodbye (4/17/07)
I don't know how to express my sorries for what has happened other than in lyric form.

I'm sorry
it must've been a lonely drop
like falling from a mountain top
greeting the sunny sky,
as the clouds pass, goodbye

Hey
did you kiss the wind before the end?
did it taste like unaccomplishment?
could you tell me what it's like,
I wouldn't blame you if you lied

Now that you've lost
the words which take cost
Would you pay back in full?

Did you laugh-
when sanity was all but gone you lingered
I warned you don't take kindly to foolish strangers
Or did you run-
from the bullet of a gun
but we were having fun
would you listen for the sound
of a hollow round
kissing the back of your neck
with pressure, I will check
no more playing in the sun
but we were having so much fun.

I take it
you had a moment to recall
that night sitting in a stall
when you found the world an endless disaster,
couldn't have wanted anything faster

To end
what was in motion perceived a blend
a mix, but mostly none amend
killing the time with a knife
blaming it on fiction, politics, and most of all life

Now that it's over
would have replied by moving closer?
closer, and closer?

Did you cry-
warranting pity measures
taken in the presence of a hapless mind
Or did time just stop
...
could you think about your friends back home?
sitting with them, and simoultaneously all aone?
Did you measure the time it took
to lock shut your little-black-book
As pages whirred by
you think "please, god, I don't want to die"
What kind of an excuse is that?
Remembering that at the drop of a hat
it could all be over,
I assume you could have acquired a lover,
caught a fish,
jumped up and down endlessly in a pile of leaves
because whatever you meant to me
would mean the same to family for once you bled,
and now for you they bleed,
replacing hate with only necessities
replacing your world with memories.
can you tell me
what it's like down there?

edited 4/21

Lost Kosmonaut

bump.

c'mon

Paige Turner

i think the idea of wondering what someone feels just before/as they die is extremely interesting. and i attemtped it once, but not so prolific as you. IMHO, sometimes it works when we just write every word or question or thought that comes to mind, and sometimes it's too much for others to comprehend. the whole tragedy was almost too much to fathom, let alone so many questions.
maybe more of a compilation of sorts would help others sort through the questions you pose and even identify with them.
i have never critiqued anyone before with anything other than praise. but i don't think that's what is supposed to go on around these parts.
more power to you, dude. you're braver than i am.

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i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

dannyboy

LK how many other poems have you critiqued?

It seems around here some need to read the guidelines and show a bit of patience.

Lost Kosmonaut

Thanks, I always appreciate positive comments.

This is my first post in poetry, but I critiqued several fictions a little while back. I was being patient, but I got 20-25 views and it was sinking near the bottom of the page.

dannyboy

fictions critiqued for fictions posted. This is poetry, critique poems. That way people will respond by doing a critique on yours. If they have not heard your views on their poems, many will read your poem and move on.

As for the down the bottom, thats why people should post 1 maybe 2 no more. It pushes poems of the first page.

Der_Parvenu_Meister

I hate poems like this. It just reads as one mindless rant about what? people getting shot? The shooting was planned out so as to kill as many people as possible, they wouldnt have tasted the wind they would have had a few minutes of terror and then been gunned down and what exactly is that last rambling sentence?

First you start with this meaningless few stanzas that seem pretty cold, I'm not sure whether they're addressed to the shooter or victims but then all that stuff about

"I warned you don't take kindly to foolish strangers"

Did you actually know those people? If you're writing from an onlookers POW then its inappropriate to act as if you knew any of them.

you think "please, god, I don't want to die"
What kind of an excuse is that?

Is that toward the shooter or victims? Because either way it reads as some sort of cold onlook as to what happened. Maybe if its toward the shooter before he commited suicide it might be understandable but he was seen to be disturbed and bullied and angry so I dont see how thats appropriate either.

It's like all of the leeches come out of the woodwork when this kind of thing happens to say "Can I first start by conveying my sympathy to bla bla fucking bla." Who cares about your internet nobody sympathy and irrelevent poem, it just reads like an empty attempt at being deep and emotional over something like this but you really come across as mocking and needlessly satirical of what, a massacre?

Amber Leaf

i think you are wrong der parvenu. this poem, to me, appears to come from the heart. it is a trail of thought and he is imagining what may have gone through all the minds of the people who died in their last moments.

correct me if im wrong but it seems like some of this could be aimed towards the shooter. in paticular this bit;

i may be wrong here. i dont want to offend but i feel that it is sad that no-one reached out to the kid who did it. he was offered counsilling etc... but what were his parents doing to help him? why didnt he have any friends. it is sad for all concerned that someone became so embittered with the world that they went ahead and did something like this. i hope that the families of everyone involved come together to help each other and not get caught up in anger and remorse.

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penforhire

You people get so worked up about virginia tech massacre, it's sickening. So what if 30 or so people died. In Africa, and in poverty-stricken parts of the world, thousands of children die EVERY DAY.

Where the fuck are the poems about that?

__________________
Always without desire we must be found,
if the deepest mystery we would sound,
but if desire within us be,
its outer fringe is all we shall see.

Ellen-the-great

The same day that happened 160 people died in iraq, and thats only from one bombing.
you think a poem is going to change the world?

penforhire

No, but can people try to be equal in their sympathy? pssh.

__________________
Always without desire we must be found,
if the deepest mystery we would sound,
but if desire within us be,
its outer fringe is all we shall see.

Lost Kosmonaut

It's just a train of thought, as Amber Leaf said. And 'Der_Parvenu_Meister', you're welcome to dislike the subject matter and the way I write, I don't really give a damn-considering your comment is far from constructive criticism. I don't write so people can look at it and say "oh, I understand competely. that makes pefect sense and I agree with the idea the poem conveys." I write as it comes from the heart; the words spill out like pure feeling, if you can sympathize. And I don't know what they mean to everybody else. All I know is that it meant a hell of a lot to me when I wrote it, and that's why I write.

btw this is not an "attempt" to be anything but myself. I have what is known as "dysthymia", or chronic mild depression, so I think that factors in to what I write about.

dannyboy

'And I don't know what they mean to everybody else. All I know is that it meant a hell of a lot to me when I wrote it, and that's why I write.'

to improve your writing - and I assume that's why you are posting here, this is a forum for critique, not a board to simply post a poem to be read (there are other places that do that) - then you must start to do two things
a) care about your reader
b) develop the skills so that you do know what your work means (or what you intend it to mean) to the Reader. Art is manipulation, manipulate us!

mammamaia

sorry, but this is a very poor piece of writing, regardless of what was or wasn't meant by the content, which is more babble than anything...

your spelling and grammar skills are so lacking that i have to wonder how young you are...

as others have noted, you seem unsure who you're supposed to be referring to, the shooter or his victims... and, in either case, what you say most often makes no sense whatsoever...

i can understand your apparent need to write something about this tragedy, but i strongly suggest that you learn the basics of good writing, period, and hone your skills, before attempting poetry...

i hope you realize i say this to be helpful, not to be mean... the truth is often painful, but if one doesn't face it, no improvement can be made... if you'd like help with your writing, feel free to email me...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

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Lost Kosmonaut

I shouldn't even address your grammar/spelling comment, as it is so painfully ironic. I think I counted three (not so obvious) spelling mistakes, and absolutely none in grammar-especially so since poetry doesn't necessarily have to follow normal sentence structure rules. As for your grammar, you may want to refrain from overuse of "..." and capitalize the beginning letter of each of your sentences, so as to seem at least somewhat professional in your criticism.

Is anybody here familiar with the idea of relativity? It seems you're all intent to get me to conform with what you percieve as correct. What you're doing is called 'solipsism'.

sol·ip·sism [sol-ip-siz-uhm]
1. the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2. extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

On the other hand, I believe in a much more inclusive idea called 'relativity', which is the complete opposite state of mind.

1. A theory, especially in ethics or aesthetics, that conceptions of truth and moral values are not absolute but are relative to the persons or groups holding them.
2. The doctrine that no ideas or beliefs are universally true but that all are, instead, “relative” — that is, their validity depends on the circumstances in which they are applied.

That makes criticism of poetry a problem, aside from grammar and spelling. But isn't the idea of writing to enjoy it? I wouldn't write if I had to match up to somebody else's quota. That's why I never plan on going into writing as a career. If you don't like a piece of work, yet there's nothing to criticize, you probably just find something to criticize-which doesn't make it necessarily valid.

Poetry itself is very interpretive-and another word for "interpretive" is "relative". Poetry is relative, meaning that different points of view will appropriate ('appropriate' verb, not adjective) different opinions. So what is appropriate? Telling me what you liked and what you didn't like, and why. It may be hard to accept that what you don't find entertaining or even meaningful isn't "wrong", but it allows for a much wider range of creativity. Having writers confined to trivial standards in poetry is simply wrong.

1. I don't care about readers who don't care for my style of writing. Sometimes I will create something that seems to communicate a solid idea, and maybe you will like that more. But it's all relative. Conforming to you is pointless to me, as it destroys what I created in a fit of emotion, and while what I change might appease you, it might not do the same for others.
2. I meant it to be from a personal, one-on-one unanswered questioning of someone who died. But did you consider that maybe the individual phrases or stanzas themselves were meant to convey more than the general idea? Even the rhymes (which have no meaning in themselves) feel strong to me. The flow (if I were to read it to you) and emotion communicated by hearing the poem read aloud finds even more feeling. Here, the whole is lesser than the sum of its parts.