dark_chylde

Deleted.

Tarantula

In my opinion you need to cut this in half. A good edit to chop it down and find the parts that really work. I honestly couldn't read anymore. I read the last line only because you mentioned it. I love the last two lines and there are some very good lines. I actually really like the last five lines. Like I said, I feel that this piece has merit, but is too long winded. All of the "they" make it a difficult read. I also like they garter belt and clip, bejewel and drip. Overall the imagery is good, but its too much. Its like trying to eat a chocolate bar in one bite.-if that makes any sense?

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dark_chylde

Thanks! I really do actually appreciate the crit...this was an old poem...I was totally scared to death of posting, I've never posted any of my stuff on a forum before. It's really nice to hear the audiences opinion, I agree...I used "they" far too much, and it is a bit messy in its beginning.

Sky

dannyboy

too long and the structure isn't helping. It's a series of sentences but there is no real underlying structure that turns this into a poem.

I also like those last two lines. Is that the real poem here?

Cran

I'm no expert on poetry, and only an occasional reader,
so my opinion here is tempered with inexperience ...

Keep the last bit, dark_chylde ... it's good ...
though you might want to consider the structure ...

The first few lines start off quite well:
The rest reads a bit like a shopping list of gripes ...
a hodge-podge collection of "They ..."
and many saying much the same thing ...

The overall message is good ...
but to get that message across,
you can cut this to half (perhaps even less) ...
as it is, you lost me about a third of the way in ...

Added: Oh, and good on you for having the courage to post ...
Keep going with it ...

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