sardpete

Acute Observation
Funny isn’t it,
How when you slide the blade,
Into the soft white skin,
That lies inside your arm,
The first thing is the gasp,
Of sudden blinding pain,
Soap-bubble clear and pure,
That hangs upon the air,
And then you see the streak,
A fine true thin redline,
Until with each heart beat,
The first blood drops are formed,
Like beads upon a chain,
And as the moments pass,
They flow into each other,
Blurring the lovely line,
And march towards your wrist,
With the pounding beat,
Finding the canyon formed,
Between the tendons there,
Where dark blue artery,
Shadows the red stream,
And they take the path,
The life and heart lines show,
And cluster in the gaps,
That lie at finger roots,
Until they start to drop,
Shining, through the air,
And fall on bathroom-tiles,
Like roses lying there?

Strange the things you see,
When you are having fun…

kenshin

Beauty!Shows the depth of pain in one's heart.The warmth and beauty of oozing blood,the objectivity,an infliction of pain to suppress a deeper pain.

As I see it,thre are certain good and not so good points about this work which of course in case of litrature can not be absolute.So,here are my views:

Good:
1)Objectivity
2)Pen-picturization
3)Deapth

Not so good:
1)Limited coverage
2)No social message

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.

surreal_girl

Well i enjoyed the work throughly. I think its good, the message is clear, the pain is vivid (very vivid) and the description of the blood, very good as well. "Soap-bubble clear and pure" loved that line. Great way of describing it. Fine fine work. Im not quite sure what kenshin means when they say "limited coverage" and "no social message". It covers it well, first is intense pain, then the forming of blood, the map in which the blood is carried and then the path to the floor. I would make "like roses lying there" a fact, not a question. Its your observation, hell it could be like poop in a row if you wanted it to be, but it loses your finesse when written like that. "No social message" I dont think you really need to have one when you are dealing with pain. Everyone has experienced, everyone knows it. Its universal.

__________________
"I miss the comfort in being sad."- Nirvana
____So at least Im addicted to something good____

Ariella

This piece has some really great imagry within it, the flow of the piece is pretty good. It is has a very directed message within it and I agree about the question mark after 'like roses laying there?' it does put the flow off a little in a sense, would read better as a statement than a question in my opinion.

Also this line here to me the flow was not as smooth.

Quote:

The first blood drops do form

i think this line here you could reword it just to help it flow a little bit better.

All in all a good piece.

sardpete

thanks for the feed back. I undersand your feelings about the queston mark, but if you look at the first line "funny isn't it" the whole piece until "like roses lying there is a single question. all the lines except the first and the last two are six syllables with the beat on the second syllable. I agree about "the first blood drops do form", but couldn'think how to say it and keep the rythm. Any suggestions about how I could change it without losing the above mentioned rythm? as for being universal etc.. well I don't know, Notice that the assumption is made that we all know about doing it. that is the point of "funny isn't it". it is also meant to make you smile! acute is sharp etc. I was wndering whether to entitle it A cut(e) observation but I thought that wo be too obvious. any feed back and suggetions welcome.. especially about that bloody line!

kenshin

@surreal_girl
By limited coverage I mean that the poem touches a very specific portion of life and society.It talks about pain,which no dout is very general,but such a deep pain is not very common.Also,it focuses on one aspect of human nature only i.e pain.So,it deals with one aspect of a limited set of humans.That's all what I meant.

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.

surreal_girl

I see what you mean kenshin but for a poem you cannot expect to fight too much of human emotion in it. and yes sardpete i completely dismissed the fact that the first line was a question... silly me.

__________________
"I miss the comfort in being sad."- Nirvana
____So at least Im addicted to something good____