kenshin

First Love-Physics.
I am not much of a drifter
but as I drifted,I couldn't resist the current
couldn't make a move.
spellbound.

As she took me
away with her,
I drifted.
She opened her secrets to me
she opened her heart
and,I........
I felt her,felt her beauty.

She glowed,
glowed like a newly wed's face in full moon
and my heart thumped and leaped
as I removed her drapery and became her's.

And like a thirsty lover,
as I gulped her intoxicating scent,
felt her pious,her purity,
I knew that she was mine,
that she will be mine forever,
I knew she won't betray me
......never seen knowledge betraying.


In these tough winds of life,
as I face the scorching heat
and harsh chill,
face this barren lifeless thoughtless land
the cracks......haphazard facts....either plain or ugly
I know that she is there
with her arms wide open,waiting,
and when I will go,she will sooth me
give me the thought nectar,
and she won't complain for I was away.
and she won't ask.....



She will open all her beauty for me,
never heard 'no' from her,
she will just submit to my pleasure,
she will be my guide,
my torch, my life,my thoughts.
And in her depths,I can loose myself without fear,
without bounds.


She is there for me,
till I live,
and she will never loose her beauty,her grace,
and whenever I will come to her,
she will welcome me
with the intoxication of the dew drop on the young red rose of early morning
and the grace of a half tamed leopardess
without a question,without a complain
to give in fullest


And as I will loose myself in this flowering garden of knowledge
in her lap,as her scent caresses my heart
I will close my eyes in heavenly pleasure
and deep satisfaction
knowing........
knowing that I am HOME.

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.

kenshin

Comments and criticism requested.
Please enlighten.

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.

kenshin

Desperately waiting for comments.Please enlighten.

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.

dannyboy

go critique other people's work and be patient.

kenshin

Hmn....You are right,that you are.Thanks for the reminder dannyboy.

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.

dannyboy

two things I've noticed about this poem and the other you posted with it.

You like to repeat words - sometimes it an be strong, but only sometimes and usually only when done in unusual ways. Repeating for effect, to highlight etc, is about as cliche nowadays as my love is like a red red rose. If you like the repetition maybe use it sparingly. The fact I noticed it in both poems is probably not a good thing.

The second this about this poem is that although it is very well written, it reads more as prose broken up to look like a poem. Its a personal account of a character's thoughts, etc.

Poetry (and this of course is only my opinion) must move beyond characterization, beyond seeing someone's thoughts and into a more metaphysical realm where connections are strong and yet not so obvious (something i am struggling with in my own poetry).

One way to achieve this is to describe the events without embellishing them and strive to remove the character's conscious 'I' from the poem.

Hope this helps.

Danny.

kenshin

Thanks dannyboy,thank you for your time.Hoping for some more comments.

__________________
Things are not so simple as they seem,but truth is always beautiful and simple.