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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-07-2007, 06:07 PM   #1
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AntonioChavez is on a distinguished road
Meadowsweet

Comment away! It's encased in code tags to keep the original spacing given that html is off!

Meadowsweet

Code:
lie still,
and stiller still or
should you be seen by afternoons
left behind in rain-struck places,
and the tell-tale faces
of burnt coffee spoons:

whispering of an encounter
“was it a field?before four o'clock.
was?”
it was an old shack with a sea view,
above claws and sideways walks along
pearl beaches lined with seafoam.

though,
again you've made your case.
wide awake: 
      awake and praising Winter-
      skewed (grimaces
      wrapped in smiles,
      tounges tracing circles;
      biting lower lips)upon all
      the living

and the dead paint
      with mandrakes,
      and paralysis, 

and this colorless past is 
      the sound of echoed years 
      the sound of
      waste.
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Old 04-07-2007, 07:15 PM   #2
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Wow, this is really very good. Your imagery is great and its full of feeling. I think you spelled tongues wrong, but thats a little nitpicky thing. I really like the first stanza, intriguing and well-written.

I didn't understand the second line of the second stanza but I think its probably personal and not meant to be totally understood by me?

Sad, yet overall, I like.
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Old 04-08-2007, 02:29 AM   #3
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Response

Thanks for the comment! And yes, you're right. Had a little typo there! Thanks for catching it. It will be corrected in an edit at some point. Thanks again and I look forward to reading some of your material and offering the same courtesy that you've shown me.
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Old 04-08-2007, 03:12 AM   #4
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Tsaeb XIII is on a distinguished road
To be honest, I found it a bit vague, something which turns me off in poetry unless it builds up to a revealing stanza at the end. I must agree with FoggyImagination about your first stanza however, it is the highlight of the poem and captures the reader's attention.
I believe that the imagery towards the end is powerful, although the point it tries to convey is lost, at least to me.

That's all I've got to offer, and if you believe otherwise I'm no expert, so don't take it as gospel. It shows promise, but it needs some sort of closing comment at the end.
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The name 'Tsaeb' is pronounced 'zabe'. Not 't-sabe'. Not 'sabe'. It's 'zabe'. Period.
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