Tsaeb XIII

This is one I've been thinking of writing for a while, and only just put the words down. Based on my own experiences.

The Curse of a Thousand Blessings

I have been told by many,
That my life is blessed.
Blessed beyond those around me.

And it may be true, as I walk through life,
That rarely I stumble, fall or trip,
Pain steers its way around me.

But what does it mean, when I go day by day,
Blessed beyond others,
Who I meet on my way

What does it mean, if they cry out in pain
I hear it surround me,
Yet I bring no relief.

Not from lack of care, I care beyond words,
But lack of knowledge,
From deep within me

You see with my thousand blessings, comes a great curse
This curse, of a thousand blessings.

For, with pain comes a blessing,
Unique of its kind,
The ability to cure pain, empathy.

And when pain flows around me,
I see those it strikes,
Yet I have no empathy to give.

For with every blessing, there is also a curse,
It robs you piece by piece,
Of the greatest gift of all

So with my thousand blessings, I’m drained of this gift,
All trace of empathy, gone with the wind,
Nothing to heal others’ pain

For this is my curse, to counter my blessings,
The curse, of a thousand blessings.

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Australia, much as I love the country, has got some serious mental issues to work out. Voting out one of the most successful governments ever is not a good strategy for future prosperity, people.

The name 'Tsaeb' is pronounced 'zabe'. Not 't-sabe'. Not 'sabe'. It's 'zabe'. Period.

Renos Babe

Wow Tsaeb, that really good, i liked it a lot, sorry that i can't crit it better

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Foxee

Tsaeb XIII...I love the idea of this, you've captured the truth, how a charmed life steals away empathy for others. It's a theme that makes the poem worth working on. I'm hoping that some of the real poets will weigh in, here, but I'll see if I can put my thoughts down anyway...

It feels too long (if that makes sense) as though the point is there but it takes a long time to get to. As though it's a little on the repetitive side without the repetition helping your cause.


I think the first line here is what bothers me because I like the second one. It's your main point of the poem. But starting with 'you see' dilutes its power, you're pointing out the obvious.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I can get done with this at the moment. I'd like to see an edited version.

Foxee

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Try the POSTCARD FICTION CONTEST! Closes for entries November 19. Can you write a story in 350 words or less?

nineteen

i can't crit very well wither, i generally just offer support by reading it then saying if i liked it or not (which is most important). i thought it was really good, really speaks of true feelings.

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(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Tsaeb XIII

Thanks Foxee, really appreciate it. What do you mean by repetitive out of interest? In my own (heavily biased, admittedly) view, I can only see it building, please elaborate on the sections you think need cutting. I understand what you mean by the "you see" section taking away from the overall effect, so I'll fix that up.

nineteen, thanks for the support. This is actually my first poem I've written, so I'm glad that people like it.

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Australia, much as I love the country, has got some serious mental issues to work out. Voting out one of the most successful governments ever is not a good strategy for future prosperity, people.

The name 'Tsaeb' is pronounced 'zabe'. Not 't-sabe'. Not 'sabe'. It's 'zabe'. Period.