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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
04-04-2007, 12:49 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: comfortably in my skin
Gender: Female
Posts: 166
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To be here with .............
Oceans were crossed
Unexpected storms weathered
Dark winding roads walked
To be here
With you
Mountains were scaled
Thin air tolerated
To the bone cold ignored
To be here
With you
Color barriers were broken and cultures mixed
From family departed
Traditional wishes put on hold
To be here
With you
Language barriers barely surmounted
Understanding fought for
Love postponed
To be here
With you
You my seductive
My beautiful
My dangerous
My healing
My plundered
My captivating
My deep
My fertile
My green
Rainforest…………..
Last edited by graceful truth : 04-05-2007 at 08:25 AM.
Reason: suggestion,critic from a valued voice thank u Cran!
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04-05-2007, 12:04 AM
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#2
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 932
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graceful truth, how apt ...
I very much like your journey (epic, in so few words) ...
even more, your destination ...
I had only two moments of "hmm?":
Quote:
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Color barriers were broken -Cultures were mixed
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It seems to me as if you haven't decided which to keep?
Then you returned to "barriers" ...
but excised "were", which seemed integral to your first lines up to that point:
Quote:
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Language barriers surmounted
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__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
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04-05-2007, 12:12 AM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: US Florida in a small town nobody ever hears about.
Gender: Female
Posts: 102
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Love it. Thumbs way up my friend.  |
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04-05-2007, 08:28 AM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: comfortably in my skin
Gender: Female
Posts: 166
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Cran
graceful truth, how apt ...
I very much like your journey (epic, in so few words) ...
even more, your destination ...
I had only two moments of "hmm?":
It seems to me as if you haven't decided which to keep?
Then you returned to "barriers" ...
but excised "were", which seemed integral to your first lines up to that point:
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you are a valued voice..thank you. I wanted both the color and culture elements...but now that I have added the and it sort of disturbs the rhythm...what do you think.
I could not bring myself to put a "were"in the following line...it seemed so trite, I opted for another feeling, sensation...barely...what do you think Cran?
and thanks for the reading ....I will continue reading you as I not only feel something, but learn something..tlll later or später...Graceful truth |
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04-05-2007, 08:29 AM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: comfortably in my skin
Gender: Female
Posts: 166
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by writerofthedead
Love it. Thumbs way up my friend. |
nice to have met you and I will read your work...I am in Germany so the time differences may make it seem long...till then.
Graceful t.......... |
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04-05-2007, 04:51 PM
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#6
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 932
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by graceful truth
you are a valued voice..thank you. I wanted both the color and culture elements...but now that I have added the and it sort of disturbs the rhythm...what do you think.
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hey, all I know about poetry is that I've been accused of writing it occasionally ... 
but reading that line in my head,
I find myself replacing the and with a comma ...
Color barriers were broken, cultures mixed
would that work better for you?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by graceful truth
I could not bring myself to put a "were"in the following line...it seemed so trite, I opted for another feeling, sensation...barely...what do you think Cran?
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Language barriers barely surmounted works surprisingly well ...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by graceful truth
and thanks for the reading ....I will continue reading you as I not only feel something, but learn something..tlll later or später...Graceful truth
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my pleasure, Graceful truth ...
not much of me to read here - I'm still working up the courage to post something other than my introduction piece and opinion ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
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04-06-2007, 03:13 AM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: comfortably in my skin
Gender: Female
Posts: 166
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Cran
hey, all I know about poetry is that I've been accused of writing it occasionally ...
but reading that line in my head,
I find myself replacing the and with a comma ...
Color barriers were broken, cultures mixed
would that work better for you?
Language barriers barely surmounted works surprisingly well ...
my pleasure, Graceful truth ...
not much of me to read here - I'm still working up the courage to post something other than my introduction piece and opinion ... |
yes Cran the comma does the trick...I also thought that barely worked well...thank God for nice surprises! Hey...just write remember your quote on perfection!!!! throw it out there...and we will support you too! okay Mr. "used by"..that is a book right there....feeling a poem too may I? Gentle Truth |
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04-06-2007, 09:54 AM
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#8
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 932
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by graceful truth
Hey...just write remember your quote on perfection!!!!
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daily, Gentle Truth; sometimes hourly! ... 
Quote:
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Originally Posted by graceful truth
throw it out there...and we will support you too! okay
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I shall ... now, which one to begin?
Quote:
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Originally Posted by graceful truth
Mr. "used by"..that is a book right there....feeling a poem too may I? Gentle Truth
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But of course, dear lady; if you feel a poem or a story, you need no one's permission but your own ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
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