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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 03-27-2007, 08:17 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: London
Posts: 193
Jiieden
City Memories

I remember a bridge which curled into a ball,
like a roly-poly, pill-bug sandy flea, and
We saw it together, turning and folding like origami.
Crane-wings of steel, pulley-tendons and arteries of roads
You were real enough, dear friend.
Was there a secret I’ve forgotten in your embrace?
We felt wind and wheels on your surface, and
we tasted pearls of smog on my tongue. You and I
Tussling in the grey hollows, dancing on sunroofs,
kissing in the parks, we both
collected empty beer-bottles from the streets.
I wrote your name on envelopes, and you, in turn,
Gave me a home, so please
Don't change too fast, old friend.
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Old 03-27-2007, 08:19 PM   #2
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Location: australia
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dannyboy is an unknown quantity at this point
loved it all but that ending from 'so please...'
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Old 03-28-2007, 09:33 AM   #3
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Jiieden
I think you're right. I threw the rythm there. I'll work on it.
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Old 03-28-2007, 10:13 AM   #4
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John2 is on a distinguished road
really enjoyed the image of the bridge - very well done.
However, I have to agree with danny boy about the ending. Something not quite right about it. Do you need to be soo explicit about your friends changing.

Overall, I good poem.

Cheers,

John
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