Old-timer's Disease - Writers Forum

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 12:41 AM

Old-timer's Disease

I peeled the taters in the tub
Put them in the bowl to boil
Placed the pot roast in the hamper
And covered it all with voile
Then I went into the sitting room
To take my morning shower
Beneath a sprinkler hose that stretched
From the spigot near the flowers
Forgot to draw the curtain
Gave the neighborhood a fright
A sudden flicker of pretty lights, I saw
Men on my front porch wearing white
I ran into the kitchen where
I dressed up in my salad.
The lettuce was scant but tastefully worn
With some spinach and herbs for balance.
They swaddled me in a sheet with odd wraps
Led me to the their pretty striped van
Then off we flew to a weird sort of zoo
And I think that’s where I met you

Edgewise · 03-25-2007, 12:57 AM

HA! Very funny (in a good way).

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 01:02 AM

Thanks, you were there weren't you?

earthman buck · 03-25-2007, 01:13 AM

I found it funny until the last couple of lines, when I just got really depressed.

I like it a lot, though. I kinda tripped over the rhythm a couple times (if a poem rhymes, I immediately go through it all sing-song like), but I got the hang of it eventually.

My favourite part was:

Quote:

I ran into the kitchen where
I dressed up in my salad.
The lettuce was scant but tastefully worn
With some spinach and herbs for balance.

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 01:17 AM

Thanks, this is my first injection of this poem on the public, and so I know it will need some fixing. But, like any shot in the arm, I look forward to some new thoughts on my attempts so far.

I did have to work back and forth on that rhythm and it is a bit sing songy, but that's meant to be. Thanks for taking the time and I like that part too. It was really fun.

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 01:18 AM

Whatever help I can get will be welcome, especially with those last four lines. Those are my thorn in this one, but I like the idea of them.

earthman buck · 03-25-2007, 01:24 AM

I actually like the last four lines just fine, but for some reason they made me sad. My grandma died not long ago from Alzheimer's, that could have something to do with it I suppose.

But anyhow, I think the last four make a peachy ending for the poem. The part I disliked the most was:

Quote:

Forgot to draw the curtain
Gave the neighborhood a fright
A sudden flicker of pretty lights, I saw
Men on my front porch wearing white

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 02:13 AM

I guess I hadn't noticed the on and off rhyme and rhythm of that part. I read through it aloud several times, but must have forgotten to stop and the ends of the lines to hear their effect.

Alzheimer's is a devastating disease. My grandmother had it but in her eighties, lived into her nineties. My aunt had it as well, the daughter of the grandmother. She was the one that really hurt. She was the youngest of three siblings and started showing symptoms in her late forties and early fifties. That hit my mother really hard, so I can identify.

This poem is probably more demented than affected with Alzheimer's. It's more like a psychotic break of old age. Just the way I feel some days. lol

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 02:16 AM

What color are ambulance lights usually: yellow and blue, green and blue? I get that all mixed up until I see them.

MrPenguin589 · 03-25-2007, 02:20 AM

I thought ambulance lights were red and yellow...

Maybe I'm just confused.

Or maybe I live in that weird sort of zoo.

Glfralin · 03-25-2007, 03:47 AM

Hahahaha. A lot of us live in that zoo. Red and yellow llights they are. Actually they are probably different in different places. Like some police cars have red, green and blue; while others have red and blue or just red. They all strobe differently too. Confusing, and I need to go back to the zoo.