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Hey, brother, AMEN!!! I feel ya' right here. I am a Christan, I'm guessing you are as well. I liked the message. The poem, however, needs some work.
Some errors I saw that need to be corrected:
1st line-
"My culture, forced fed reality."
to
'My culture-forced fed reality.'?? (actually I really don't know...it just looks weird the way you have it)
Last Stanza-
"These are the times
when I wonder why
God would carry us all,
every name and face
every sin now and forever
on the cross upon His back."
to
'These are the times
when I wonder,
"Why, God, did You carry
our sin to the cross
upon His shoulders,
so we, then,
can be forgiven
now and forever."'
Make these changes and it will have a better flow. Also, if you want, go through it with a fine-toothed comb. If you're going for a sentence-like structure, you might want to rethink your punctuations. If not, then try and stick with the common poem structure: add commas where needed and capitalize the beginning of each line. Finally, if you want to make it flow even better, just look for unnecessary words (the, by, and, or, an, a, etc.): they can screw up your poem if placed in wrong areas or just used unpoetically.
I'm not saying that you have to do all that, it's only that I see potential and promise in your poems and, well, I'm trying to give you some constructive criticism (hey, we all have to deal with it sometimes). Take it or leave it, but I like it (your poem).
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Last edited by Immortal : 03-12-2007 at 09:02 PM.
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