Restitution - Writers Forum

Amber Leaf · 03-04-2007, 10:18 PM

She did not expect
When she stole a glace at his face.
The onset of tears.

To think he had fears.
To think he would hate himself.
To her this was news.

She thought him amused
At her actions and her mistakes
Turns out he was not.

Their hearts are both shot
And they’re both free and both sorted.
Let’s love each other.

CircusFolk · 03-04-2007, 10:22 PM

It is certainly well organized and has decent imagery. The emotional impact is present in those words, especially in "Their hearts are both shot."

However, I would suggest you remain in third person or switch it all to first person rather than writing it all in third person then changing it to first person at the last line. Was there a purpose in doing that?

Amber Leaf · 03-04-2007, 10:57 PM

not really. i was thinking about how i felt from another point of view and then put what i felt at the end in my own

RainBeau · 03-04-2007, 11:19 PM

Almost haiku: Second line first stanza has an eight count.

Amber Leaf · 03-04-2007, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Almost haiku: Second line first stanza has an eight count

i know. i was going to make it one but decided to just go with the format of eight sylables insted

Glfralin · 03-04-2007, 11:53 PM

I think that first you should go back through and read this out loud to yourself. It should read more easily and flow naturally. I think you could stray from the pattern just a bit. I agree you need to keep it in either the first or third person.

CircusFolk · 03-04-2007, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amber Leaf

not really. i was thinking about how i felt from another point of view and then put what i felt at the end in my own

Ok, now I see where you were going

It could always draw the eyes to that point, highlight it I guess. It seems to summarize the feelings of the poem so keeping it could be an advantage too. Though I still stick with the previous point.