Achilles

Now it's becoming dusk
and the doves are all asleep.
The raven taps
on the grey oak, branches
silhouetted in the moon

like dreams, like thoughts
of dark expanses.

Black Butterfly, Black Butterfly,
you flutter with the
world on your wings
and the wind against your brow.

Even now, while leaves are still,
while water is bitter
and filled with gold,
even now the air is parched,
the lemon sun has dropped his gaze,
even now, while lovers kiss,
while snakes hiss at acid rain,
while fireworks are going wrong,
the sky it trimmed with orange.

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The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

Wyndstar

I really like the imagry on this one, and the first three stanzas are consistent with the theme. Then we get to the fourth stanza where you seem to go someplace eles--it seems like you're talking about enviromental damage especially line 7, unless you meant '...while snakes hiss acid rain...' (though I don't quite understand why or at what). Lines 2 and 8 also seems a jab, but they are more ambigous. The idea of damage seems more like an afterthought at the last moment--it throws the poem off for me a bit.

__________________
Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

Achilles

Now it's becoming dusk
and the doves are all asleep.
The raven taps
on the grey oak, branches
silhouetted in the moon

like dreams, like thoughts
of dark expanses.

Black butterfly, black butterfly,
you flutter with the
world on your wings
and the wind against your brow.

Even now, while leaves are still,
while water is bitter
and filled with gold,
even now the air is parched,
the lemon sun drops his gaze,
even now, while wombs are void,
while ivy chokes the mottled earth,
and roses blossom thorns,
while owls retire to distant roosts,
and heaven's clouds blow over,
the sky is trimmed with orange.

Author's Note:

An improvement, or no? I tried to work out a little more fluidity of the imagery. Ha, the poems I write several hours after I should have gone to bed always have the best parts and the worst. Fireworks gone wrong? I don't even know where that came from, honestly. Thanks for the comment, Wyndstar.

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The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

L00kbackinanger

It's got potential.

I think you need to prune it a bit. Take out all of the "the" words and the "and" words and try to make it flow without them, perhaps replacing them with other words or punctuation to keep the beat.

Fireworks gone wrong is a good line. I fiddled with it a bit, hope you don't mind, just to show you what I mean. Only use "the", "and", "was" if absolutely necessary. You can use a semi colon instead of "and".

Now it's becoming dusk
doves sleep; a raven taps
grey oak branches,
silhouetted by yellow moon,
like dreams, like thoughts
of dark expanses.

Black butterfly, black butterfly,

--you flutter--

a world on your wings
a wind against your brow.

Even now, while leaves are still,
water bitter and filled with gold.

Even now air is parched,
lemon sun drops his gaze.

Even now wombs are void,
ivy chokes a mottled Earth,
roses blossom thorns,
owls retire to distant roosts

--as heaven's clouds blow over--

A purple sky is trimmed with orange.

L00kbackinanger

I think looking at my reworking that the last line might read better

"the purple sky is trimmed with orange"

Achilles

I don't know, taking out all those words seems to make it a little choppy. It's probably just a personal stylisitic thing -- I don't believe either is right or wrong. What you derived from mine just looks like how you would have written the same images. No offense, but my original sounds a lot more like me, naturally.

Thanks for the suggestions, though.

Achilles

__________________
The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

Damien.

I love it. I could see it in my mind's eye. I can't write poetry. Practice...

SadLuckDame

I thought this was refreshing and simply beautiful. It is very soft while it whispers.
In 'you flutter with the' I stumble with it in ending in 'the'. Maybe perhaps 'you flutter with' then the starting the next line 'the world on your wings' or 'you flutter with the world' and 'on your wings' following line. But entirely my own opinion, which I'm not even sure is correct. I would still enjoy it completely without the change, it is lovely.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

peterphreak

Dear Achilles,

I'm heeled. Your poetry is a fresco. Thanks.

ShabookiSkittles

Loved the black butterfly stanza. I feel like once it gets to the last three lines the fluency sort of dies though. Beyond that, the imagery is exceptional and I love when you can make a stanza feel like a color. (Stanza 4- Orange) 2 Thumbs skyward.

Damien.

This is beautiful. Nothing needs change. I want it.