Mathom

Sigur Rós

adolessence--adolescence

This was a well portrayed peice. I enjoyed the read. Most definantly a good first post. I have one suggestion, and that's to remove the third line. The third repetition holds no purpose.

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"What I thought was unreal now, for me, seems in some ways to be more real than what I think to be real, which seems now to be unreal." Fred A. Wolf
-My Quantum Dream of The Roman Swing-
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1070927

Mathom

Yes, well... see it is the "essence" of "adolescence". I thought that was particularly clever. I was thinking about removing the repitition... but I like how it adds emphasis to my main idea. Although I guess I don't need them repreated, I could just leave it on the third stanza.

Sigur Rós

Better than saying adolescent essence, eh? I get you. The third repitition is of course your choice to keep. It may very well be different in the eyes of others. Either way, I hope you stay moderate here.

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"What I thought was unreal now, for me, seems in some ways to be more real than what I think to be real, which seems now to be unreal." Fred A. Wolf
-My Quantum Dream of The Roman Swing-
http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...ml#post1070927

Mathom

.

metaphor

i personally like it the way it is!!!

metaphor

i personally like it the way it is!!!

Synaesthesia

Mathom

I like this poem. I like the rhythm and how it rhymes. I always admire rhymes that work. I can see why you wouldn't want to take out that third line. Every stanza has four lines and there's a rhythm there. I really like your repeated like at the end of each stanza.

Well done!
Cheers
Syn

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Synaesthesia

Mathom

I like this poem. I like the rhythm and how it rhymes. I always admire rhymes that work. I can see why you wouldn't want to take out that third line. Every stanza has four lines and there's a rhythm there. I really like your repeated like at the end of each stanza.

Well done!
Cheers
Syn

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Mathom

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Edgewise

The repetition works in this, as it does indeed hammer home the main idea of the poem. This piece was actually very good, and gets better each time I read it.

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How can you expect a man who's warm to understand a man who's cold?
- Solzhenitsyn "Ivan Denisovich"

QuothTheRaven

I like it, but your word choice sometimes makes the lines a little cumbersome. However, 'cumbersome' seems to be my word-of-the-day, so you can ignore that.

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You are on a writing forum, please have the good sense to spell correctly and make use of proper grammar. Everyone makes mistakes, but smart people don't make a habit of it.

Mathom

This poem was actually shit. Plain, unadorned shittttt

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