aspire

City Nights

Green light, masses horde. Barely penetrating, its heart not long away. Elongated streets guide like veins pumping blood, we are the life.

Brightly light neon’s blinding but still enticing, pulling us in. Promoter’s litter the pathways in hope of persuading virgin minds.

Are we but not the mindless drones of the ticking monster that is called the…city? We are the crime, we are the tyranny, we are the life.

Rebellion just a theme associated. The clash of the truly camp. Electrifying the ears of those who wander.

Not only are we the degradation but also…we are the life!

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Tell me what you think, If it's cr@p or alright. Thanks

RainBeau

The metering is uneven and seems to be searching for itself.
It's like you had some prose in mind but decided, "Hey, I'll do it in verse instead."

Not that it's bad but it needs to be reworked, IMO.

(Hey, I ain't a poet either. I'm not sure I understand the good stuff and the bad stuff I leave alone.)

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Rob
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iwasalover

i like the idea, but i find the exclamation points distracting. what was your purpose in putting them there? good start!

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all i see is what's in front of me, and that's you.

aspire

You pretty much nailed it there RainBeau, it was goin to be fiction then I just sort of wandered off into verse.

I took them out, I actually started the first two verses off unintentionally using them then just kept with the pattern.


Thanks for the critique guys

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My only bit of recent writing!

http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=73856