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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-02-2007, 11:57 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: IN
Gender: Male
Posts: 100
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Sadness Refined
Edited-Did some...refining 
__________
John walks
to his car.
Umbrella over his head,
rain falling,
plit plat,
upon the nylon shield.
The raindrops fall,
sapphire beads,
to the ground,
Absorbed.
Earth and muck.
The puddle play
of the children gay
echoes street to street.
Parents watch,
through glass,
the children's laughs.
Oh, rain has fallen
on this soul.
I feel like rotten tomatoes,
potatoes,
and moldy cheese.
No one wants
rotten tomatoes.
No one wants
rotten potatoes.
No one eats
moldy cheese.
No matter how hard I try,
my life does not please.
Rhyming rhymes,
and making jokes,
telling tales,
for this old bloke,
comes natural,
I hope.
Lacking opinions,
my natural skills do.
Why, no one likes
a Blueville who.
Life's sadness
rubbing off
on my clothes,
on my shoes.
Wherever I go,
sadness blooms.
Cut string, son,
cut string.
Plunge into dog's gullet
and find it,
identity,
albeit death --
the end of me.
__________________
Official Signature Quote: "Wigga wigga nutshire!"
"Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education." -Mark Twain
Last edited by Immortal : 03-12-2007 at 07:31 PM.
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02-03-2007, 09:07 AM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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immortal: i think this is pretty good, but could be, uh, refined a bit more.
'street to street' rather than 'and street'
How about
But rain has fallen
upon this empty soul
like rotten tomatoes,
potatoes,
and cheese mold.
I'd suggest trimming back the repetions after this stanza
How about
Life's sadness
seeping into..etc. stick with the rain theme
then maybe find a way to end in keeping with the sadness/rain theme.
just some thoughts that might bring it together more to good effect...
cheers
J.R.
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02-03-2007, 04:40 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Is that an existential question?
Posts: 1,863
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I have to agree with J.R. on the suggestions. The repetition bogs it down a bit. Some errors in grammar (muk is spelled muck). Comma after 'children gay' serves the timing better. I'll give it this much, it certainly does convey despair.
__________________
Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.
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02-03-2007, 04:47 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,431
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I found some of the images too cutsey and the flow was choppy for mine.
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03-12-2007, 07:29 PM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: IN
Gender: Male
Posts: 100
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Refined, I hope you like it better!
__________________
Official Signature Quote: "Wigga wigga nutshire!"
"Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education." -Mark Twain
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