Will We Win? - Writers Forum

citygirl · 12-19-2006, 09:14 AM

Will we win

We were
in the bottom of a raging sea,
we drown.
We were
wrestling in a sweltering wasteland,
ears pound
and the silence is deafening.

Why were we
aloof--so far away;
we wailed.
Wandering in the wilderness
we prevailed,
As the Wind of God blows strong.

We will win.

Note: I believe that if we work on something even when it is gone bad, we can rise above it.....cg

Dressed In Gray · 12-27-2006, 11:15 PM

i agree. i like your choice of words, and your poem puts a picture in my head(which is a good thing) it would be a lot better if we never had to be far away in wastelands.

citygirl · 12-28-2006, 12:32 AM

Thank you, Dressed IN Gray. I really appreciate your comments.

Vulgar` · 12-28-2006, 07:27 PM

Edit session?

we were
at the bottom of a raging sea
we drown
wrestling in a sweltering wasteland
ears pound
and silence is deafening.

why were we
Aloof?
so far away
we wailed
we wandered in the wilderness
yet we prevailed,
as the Wind of God blow strong

we will win.

-

Or, we have won? There are no winners and losers - only neutrality.

Keep doing you

citygirl · 01-10-2008, 01:09 AM

thank you, yes revision soon to follow....Appreciated your comments and suggestions....

Jimothy Onion Thief · 01-10-2008, 05:56 AM

This is really good, I like it. Especially the line "wrestling in a sweltering wasteland". Can't think of anything to add to vulgar's crit.

vangoghsear · 01-10-2008, 09:18 AM

Some nice lines in here.

Pete_C · 01-12-2008, 04:07 AM

I was put off by what appears to a description of ther sea as a sweltering wasteland. I reread it, but sadly your punctuation doesn't indicate whether you have changed subject or not.

Whilst some poets tend to minimise of reject the use of punctuation, some other device is required as punctuation can strongly affect meaning. In this case, it's just bad use or incorrect use of punctuation, and you can't get away with that, even in poetry. Edit it properly, then give it another go!

citygirl · 01-13-2008, 04:28 PM

Hello Pete, okay, tried to edit it accordingly....take another look. Thanks.

Wishing4Rain · 01-13-2008, 05:24 PM

I really like this, no crit's from me.

citygirl · 01-13-2008, 05:31 PM

thank you Wishing4Rain!

citygirl · 02-11-2008, 08:36 PM

Thanks again for all the comments. I changed some of the punctuation, hope it reads correctly now....

Ilasir Maroa · 02-11-2008, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by citygirl

Will we win

We were
in the bottom of a raging sea,
we drowning.
We were
wrestling in a sweltering wasteland,
ears pound
and the silence is deafening.

Why were we
aloof--so far away;
we wailed.
Wandering in the wilderness
we prevailed,
as the Wind of God blows strong.

We will win.

Note: I believe that if we work on something even when it is gone bad, we can rise above it.....cg

Just a few possible punctuation edits. Also, I had issues with the sea/desert thing.

citygirl · 02-12-2008, 12:30 AM

I still do not understand your issue with the sea/desert thing. The poem is speaking about two different times/places, which I thought would be clear considering I put a full stop after the first part, showing the end to the that thought.
It is metaphorical; of being in a state of mind.. Feeling like we drowned, and then feeling like we were in a wilderness, hot, sweltering, and silent. cg

Crowley · 02-12-2008, 08:43 AM

I would agree. The division between the states of mind came across very clearly I don't quite see where the confusion is arising. Besides, lest we forget, this is a piece of poetry. The flow doesn't have to be laboriously explained as long as the message comes across and the emotive force of the language is effective which, I found, it is in this...