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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
12-18-2006, 04:47 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Manitoba
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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I wrote this last night
You dirty up my place of living
soil the things for which I care
ruin it all and every time
you leave me I am feeling bare
The bed I sleep on stinks of you
my weary mind has had enough
Because I know you're always there
I am repulsed by you, my love
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"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -- Kurt Vonnegut
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12-18-2006, 05:17 PM
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#2
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Insanity
Gender: Female
Posts: 177
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This was good; powerful. Just the last line in the first stanza felt a little too long. I don't think you need the 'I am'.
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Treat small victories like big accomplishments, because they`re the majority of what you`re ever going to get in life.
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12-18-2006, 11:16 PM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Manitoba
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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But....but.....the rhythm! The rhythm will surely suffer!
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"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -- Kurt Vonnegut
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12-19-2006, 12:56 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: zeebyville USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 237
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I liked it. Nothing to say really, except that it was worth reading. nice
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Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey
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12-19-2006, 12:01 PM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 66
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Your metaphors are weak, my love.
Inside joke. I actually liked this a lot, nothing to complain about really.
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People are like slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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12-19-2006, 12:32 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Insanity
Gender: Female
Posts: 177
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I should hope that's an inside joke, because the way I got it was a little homo. xD
I see what you're doing, Earthman. I had a different syllabic rhythm in mind than you did. I see it now.
__________________
Treat small victories like big accomplishments, because they`re the majority of what you`re ever going to get in life.
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12-20-2006, 03:33 AM
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#7
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Maine
Gender: Male
Posts: 878
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by earthman buck
You dirty up my place of living
soil the things for which I care
ruin it all and every time
you leave me I am feeling bare
The bed I sleep on stinks of you
my weary mind has had enough
Because I know you're always there
I am repulsed by you, my love
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The rhythm?
And, written escape, please treat homosexuality with a little more respect. This isn't the debate forum. |
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12-20-2006, 05:18 AM
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#8
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 51
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[I'm] in [brackets]
You dirty up my place of living
soil the things for which I care
ruin it all and every time
you leave me[...]
I am[...]
feeling[...]
bare[...]
[...for the hell of it, i think it adds some pauses that ensure the line is read at an impactful speed]
The bed I sleep on stinks of you
my weary mind has had enough
Because I know you're always there
I am repulsed by you, my love
[wooo i like this, it's clean and has a real language to it]
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12-20-2006, 10:52 AM
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#9
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Manitoba
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Jolly McJollyson
The rhythm?
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Uh....yeah. Four beats to a line.
__________________
"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -- Kurt Vonnegut
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12-20-2006, 04:11 PM
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#10
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Maine
Gender: Male
Posts: 878
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by earthman buck
You dirty up my place of living
soil the things for which I care
ruin it all and every time
you leave me I am feeling bare
The bed I sleep on stinks of you
my weary mind has had enough
Because I know you're always there
I am repulsed by you, my love
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It looks like the syllable count is:
9,7,8,8
8,8,8,8
So, the second stanza has it, but the first is a little off, I think... Also, in that second line, if you're pronouncing "soil" as two syllables, the weak syllable comes in the wrong place, kind of throws off the rhythm a bit. |
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12-20-2006, 05:13 PM
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#11
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Manitoba
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Jolly McJollyson
It looks like the syllable count is:
9,7,8,8
8,8,8,8
So, the second stanza has it, but the first is a little off, I think... Also, in that second line, if you're pronouncing "soil" as two syllables, the weak syllable comes in the wrong place, kind of throws off the rhythm a bit.
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A beat doesn’t have to consist of two syllables, does it? If I’d said it was iambic it would, but I didn’t. I think it can still be read with four beats a line:
you DIRty UP my PLACE of LIVing
SOIL the THINGS for WHICH i CARE
RUIN it ALL and EVry TIME
you LEAVE me I am FEEling BARE
__________________
"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -- Kurt Vonnegut
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12-20-2006, 08:33 PM
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#12
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Maine
Gender: Male
Posts: 878
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by earthman buck
A beat doesn’t have to consist of two syllables, does it? If I’d said it was iambic it would, but I didn’t. I think it can still be read with four beats a line:
you DIRty UP my PLACE of LIVing
SOIL the THINGS for WHICH i CARE
RUIN it ALL and EVry TIME
you LEAVE me I am FEEling BARE
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No, a beat doesn't have to have two syllables, I just don't see how a line with 9 syllables can have four beats. |
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12-20-2006, 11:24 PM
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#13
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Manitoba
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Well, every time I read it to myself it seems to pull it off.
__________________
"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -- Kurt Vonnegut
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12-20-2006, 11:33 PM
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#14
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 51
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edit
you dirty up my place of life
8
you dirty up my place of living
9
both can work in the poem
were talking about stressed and unstressed syllables, the exact count may not be the same but the number stressed is what counts
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12-21-2006, 10:16 PM
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#15
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Manitoba
Gender: Male
Posts: 136
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Yes, exactly. Thank you, Ravenial.
__________________
"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." -- Kurt Vonnegut
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