Psycho

Just a sketch...



Fit my body like a two-step
Like sepulchre shadows
Like hanging gallows
Your tongue is a virus
Spread to intoxicate

Free-hand style of my past
Recorded in your silver
eyedrops, sing to sleep
The waking of my nightmares
Arose in search of tainting

Like tungsten kisses, chill me
Like neomycin portraits, sustain
My mind, in its perfect pathways
Led to redeem your future's soul
Betwixt its fainting pictures

Freed to restore my hearts inclination
My sweet and bleeding suffocation.

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Tread carefully, Monsieur, for you walk among my dreams.

WrittenEscape

This is very good. It has a dark kind of theme, but it's still alluring. Good job.

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Treat small victories like big accomplishments, because they`re the majority of what you`re ever going to get in life.

Jolly McJollyson

I like that it looks almost like a sonnet, but has those three too many lines. A corrupted love-poem which reminds the reader of that "viral tongue" mentioned towards the beginning. Very, VERY clever, Psycho. Even the ending couplet has a slant rhyme rather than a full-on rhyme.

One thing I might change "Like tungsten kisses, chill me" I would say "Like freezing mercury kisses, chill me" or simply, "Like mercury kisses, chill me" I know it's not the same syllable count, but I find mercury a much sexier metal for describing cold. The whole liquid metal aspect is just a gorgeous image, and you'd add to the "poisonous" aspect.

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I'm not a writer.

Critique my writing.

Or my lyrics.

walrus

This is a cool piece! Some neat imagery! It is not often that I would suggest changing words but Jolly's suggestion about "mercury" is really good. Captures the intent very well.

Enjoyed the read, so there ...lol

jube jube

What up, dawg? Another dark poem, so keep working on them everyday to get better. Detail's very good and imagery is not bad.

Like sepulchre shadows
Like hanging gallows
^ Got to work on eliminating repetition, homie. Don't really like "Like" very much, so if you use it, don't repeat it too much.

Like tungsten kisses, chill me
Like neomycin portraits, sustain
^ Again, lay off the similes for a while and change it to something like:
"Chilling tungsten kisses
Like Neomycin potraits, sustain"

Good word though, "Neomycin." Incorporting eloquent wordplay in a written piece assures success.

-jube jube

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Don't tell nobody, spread the word.

Psycho

thank you for the read!

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Tread carefully, Monsieur, for you walk among my dreams.

Faustian

I agree with what has been said. Far too many likes. The misshapen sonnet fits the vitriol of your tone. Portions are evocative.

Wyndstar

I disagree with Jolly--I think 'tungston' suits this very well. The only problem I see so far is the use of neomycin. I'm not sure that would be a universal enough word here. Other than that, I think this shows a lot of potential.

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

Psycho

thank you

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Tread carefully, Monsieur, for you walk among my dreams.