Thread: On Inebriation/Untitled

I am so unoriginal . This is one of a series of three poems (and probably more) that I'm doing, based on different levels of inebriation on different drugs. This one happens to be cocaine; I've also done pot and alcohol. The style is supposed to vaguely echo what it "feels" like to be on the drug, without having to describe it, if that makes sense. Is this a silly idea? I know it's an overdone idea, but it's more for the development of my skills as a poet than anything else. So, without further ado:

Untitled

She’s got:

rock ‘n roll eyes
(glassy and flat)
pulling back behind
shuttered windows.

She’s got:


a half-smile, surreptitiously
nibbling high, smooth cheek-
bones.

She’s got:

sex appeal, as
she tosses back dusk-light woven hair
and laughs a pretty little laugh
that rolls hollowly off
galvanized tin and
silent concrete.

She’s got:

a world
(and a half)
of music,
and she can’t sing, or so she says.


She’s got:


thoughts,
in a sphere, turning
snow-
balling
downhill

laughing until she cries
and now she can’t get back.

This is pretty good, not a bad idea at all, and your didn't do it too poorely either. I do have some suggestions, though.

1) Revise the first stansa, it doesn't sound good enough to grab the readers attention.

2) The she's got doesn't really add anything withouth becoming an agrivating repition, perhaps you can take it out?

And that's all I got to say.

-well done.

Yeah, this isn't really bad at all. Just like Sigur said, though the "she's got" kinda makes it seem to monotonous.