Thread: Silence of an Indrawn Breath

There is a certain quiet
of play and all is well
in that breathless instant
when he tripped and fell

Explorer’s feet so tiny
head an awkward weight
balance so uncertain
bravely testing fate

Then disaster takes him
the footstool it resounds
his head has hit against it
with a knocking sound

One heartbeat, two thud by
building stormy gales
then the silence broken
by “I need Mommy” wails.

Brings up the image of a baby learning how to walk. The "'I need Mommy' wails" made me chuckle.

Keep poeming...yea...I said it...poeming.

nice Foxee. enjoy this, soon they'll be teenagers!
The second stanza reads beautifully.
cheers
J.R.

I love piece!! There aren't enough poems about kids, I don't think. This was just great, I loved it. (And I definately know all too well that the calm usually precedes the head crack!)

Immortal: Thanks! I'm glad the image came accross. More 'poeming' it shall be, then.

J.R.: Thanks for the feedback. I am in terror of them becoming teenagers. LOL!

Angie: I think you're right about there not being enough poems about children. Which is suprising considering what wells of inspiration the guys/gals can be.

To be honest, the ryhming seemed to be kinda flowless, but that just might just be me. Anywho, really great poem, nonetheless!

*poeming is power*

Thanks Armory Warrior... as I've noted before I'm not really a poet (this is me faking it) but I'd like to learn what I don't know. So if you have any suggestions as to how this could flow better I'd appreciate your input. I'm glad you enjoyed the overall subject. Thanks for replying!

Your way with words shines through in this one! As J.R. wrote the second stanza is great! Quite true, a subject matter that isn't poetically explored enough ...run with it! What a muse ...

Enjoyed the read.

do you need that first stanza - seems far more telly than the rest of the poem - otherwise well done.

Walrus: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think I need to check a book on writing poetry out of the library.

Dannyboy: Thanks! You know, rereading it I have to agree...the rest of the poem covers the same ground as the first stanza so I'd feel comfortable losing it. I do this in prose, too... often do a first draft then cut much of the beginning (first paragraph or whole first page sometimes). Thank you for reading this and giving me feedback, DB.

I have little to add that hasn't already been said. First stanza seems slightly extranous but the rest is beautifully worded. Keep it up. Please.

Slayer

Why, ty, slayer. I appreciate that.

An enjoyable read. I've reread it a few times and tried to vision this piece without the first stanza, I'm not so sure I agree with others about removing it but meh, what do I know. Either way this poem flowed smoothly, the rhyming was nicely chosen, for someone who hasnt writen poetry this is a great start, keep at it and I'll look forward to your future work.

If this is you faking it, Foxee, you should fake it more often

I really liked this. I'm not a mom, but you got your emotions and imagery through so clearly I don't need to be to appreciate the poem. Very nice!