Refuge to Failure - Writers Forum

George_Moyle · 11-12-2006, 07:23 AM

As some of you know I have been getting back into poetry (something which I was into before I was on the forum), and the ability to share my work has inspired me to write. Here is my latest creation, which I hope you will enjoy.

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Refuge To Failure
by George Moyle
November 12, 2006

Engulfed in nightly darkness
Near mountains I sit below
I sit amongst the shadows
In the moon's pale, shimmering glow.

Embers crackle in the fire
In my spot of refuge
I'm full of passion, full of desire
Yet I face life with this attitude.

All my life I fought, and all my life I've tried
Battle after battle
And now I'm dead inside
It was peace and freedom I sought
Oh that dream withered away
For battle after battle
Had thrown my soul astray

So I ran afar
Seeking freedom, seeking truth
Now I sit beneath the stars
Dreaming those old dreams that I cannot bring forth.

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Please tell me what you think, I'd love to hear it!

Sincerely,

George Moyle

All Text Copyrighted to George Moyle:

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License

walrus · 11-12-2006, 11:27 AM

Overall I quite like this piece! Something about the 2nd stanza isn't working for me.

Embers crackle in the fire
In the my spot of refuge
I'm full of passion, full of desire
Yet I face life with this attitude.

it feels as if the lines are out of order or something. Sorry I cannot be more precise.

Enjoyed the read

George_Moyle · 11-12-2006, 12:00 PM

Thanks, I don't know what to correct about the second stanza. I think it suits the piece and adds to imagery rather well. Glad you enjoyed the read.

-George Moyle

MsLokita · 11-12-2006, 12:23 PM

I relate to what you describe here - the reflection on one's life and perhaps predicament. Disillusionment, feeling lost from self, passion, dreams... I think this can be tightened up. I am left wishing to know more about what dreams failed, what battles fought . . . below are a few suggestions, for whatever they are worth!

MsL.

Quote:

Originally Posted by George_Moyle

Engulfed in nightly darkness

Near mountains I sit below (odd phrase -"below" ?)
I sit amongst the shadows (rephrase w/o using "sit" - repetitive?)
In the moon's pale, shimmering glow.

Embers crackle in the fire
In the my spot of refuge (omit "the")
I'm full of passion, full of desire
Yet I face life with this attitude. (what attitude? maybe "with an attitude")

All my life I fought, and all my life I've tried (omit "and" and break into two lines?)
Battle after battle fought (omit "fought", repetitive)
And now I'm dead inside ("until I'm dead inside" or just omit "and")
It was peace and freedom I sought (add hypen?)
Oh that dream withered away
For battle after battle
Had thrown my soul astray ("thrown" doesn't seem right here - "led")

So I ran afar
Seeking freedom, seeking truth
Now I sit beneath the stars
Dreaming those old dreams that I cannot bring forth. (omit "those", and maybe rephrase "that I cannot bring forth." (e.g., "I cannot bring to life" or "dreaming old dreams that can't be brought to life")

George_Moyle · 11-12-2006, 12:32 PM

Edited a typo, and took out the fought from "Battle after battle fought". Thanks for reading my work!