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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 09-25-2006, 11:34 PM   #1
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Just Leave Me Alone

I like this one a lot more than my first on so i just had to put it on and see what you guys think. I listened to the advice i got and wrote about soemthing that i cared about.

--------------

Leave me alone,
Why can’t they leave me alone?

Wake up in the morning
Forced out of bed
Look at myself in the mirror
Why can’t they leave me alone?

Get on the chariot to hell
Try not to scream, try not to yell
They punish me
If I don’t buy what they sell

Do it their way
That’s what they say
All I can mutter
Is a simple okay

Sit in a room
Bored out of my skull
Why can’t they leave me alone?

I try to catch up
On some missed hours sleep
When the slavemaster then clears her throat
And expects me to speak

Embarrassed I whisper
What page are we on?
Why don’t they just leave me alone?

Why don’t I leave?
With my bag and my books,
Just run out of the room?
It’s because of the looks

Parents and friends
Tell me I’m dumb
‘Just get over it,
try to have fun’

Bullshit I say
If I had it my way
They would all just leave me alone.
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Last edited by thoughtmaker : 09-26-2006 at 03:51 PM.
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Old 09-25-2006, 11:48 PM   #2
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Well, you must want to be left alone. lol You do have some imagery here, but I think we'd be able to feel the impact of what, "they", do to irritate you, and why you want to be left alone. I think you may wish to repeat that phrase only twice, at the beginning and the end. In my opinion it would be more effective.

Quote:
Do it their way
That’s what they say

All I can mutter
Is a simple okay
This is just a random example of what I mean by needing more imagery to show us what you are saying. "Do it their way" we don't know who they are or what their way means to you or us.

It may be better to say something like

The commander of school time
marches me like a Gomer on parade
I say yes ma'am -- yes sir

That's a little sloppy on my part, but I hope you get the idea. It gives an identifiable image of who, what, and emotional effect.

Hopefully somebody can give you some better ideas than this.
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Old 09-25-2006, 11:51 PM   #3
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This was actually a decent post, the only thing I would change is this:

Quote:
Parents and friends
Tell me I’m dumb
‘Just get over it,
try to have fun’
Maybe it's just the way I read it, but it seems like it would flow better with this extra syllable. Other than that, I liked it.
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Old 09-26-2006, 05:23 AM   #4
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I agree. With things like this, what "They" did and "who" they are is best left to the imagination, because if you get into the nitty gritty of it, it can break a piece. Nice work overall.

Regards
Slayer
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Old 09-26-2006, 03:50 PM   #5
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thanks i'll try to incorporate that stuff into my next one
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