Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
07-25-2006, 04:31 PM
|
#1
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 419
|
Lakeside Boat Watch
The dragonfly bounds from one
v-shaped ripple to another
in expediate resolution &
contentment at its existence.
The children on plastic pleasure
paddle boats circle & bound
imagining they are equal
to the dragonfly...content and free.
One boat paddles, flaps it's wings
lands onto the lapping water &
a sunny comes up & swollows
the child and paddle boat whole.
Last edited by NealCassady : 07-25-2006 at 04:35 PM.
|
|
|
|
07-25-2006, 11:44 PM
|
#2
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 10,552
|
I'm going to try to see if I can explain this right...
What I like in free verse is when the majority of lines can stand on their own and have meaning as well as work for the poem itself. I feel you accomplish this in the second and third stanzas, but the first could use a little work in that respect.
What I like about any poem who takes a sharp turn at the end like yours does is that the tone remains consistant all the way through the end. That makes the poem have a shiver quality, in my opinion, and the goal of any writing should be to make the reader feel something.
Well done.
__________________
"Just remember, wherever you are, that's what time it is." - eggo
"I write in bed. Afterwards, I offer my laptop a cigarette." - Jolly McJollyson
|
|
|
|
|
07-25-2006, 11:54 PM
|
#3
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Oregon
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,273
|
Perfect.
Lans
|
|
|
|
|
07-26-2006, 07:01 AM
|
#4
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 419
|
I agree silver, the first stanza does not pack as much punch as the other two, I will work on that!
I'm much obliged by yours and gigi's response, this poem meant a lot to me during work today and quite a vacation from the the monotonous drone that I've become.
|
|
|
|
|
07-26-2006, 07:03 AM
|
#5
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,535
|
I agree the second and third stanzas work very well and can be left alone - especially the last, I love that last stanza.
Could it be v-shaped and expediate that cause the problems in the first?
|
|
|
|
|
07-26-2006, 03:51 PM
|
#6
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Nth Co Dublin, Ireland
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,315
|
Hey Neal,
I really liked it, but going to follow the leaders above and say the first stanza was not as strong as the others.
Should it be swallows?
Great turn on the end,.
Lorlie
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:40 AM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
