The City - Writers Forum

Syren · 05-30-2006, 07:23 AM

Night, in the heated core of the city,
sticky-slick, the asphault sweating
tires grip and almost slip, steel belted bitemarks
as I track along the waterfront roadways.

Shifting to cruise, I turn down the window
and tune into the pulse of the city
cat-calling kittens, jazz man's sax,
purple neon sex, streetlights I ignore
the world passing by to my left
a thick laquer-painted grotesquerie
I have come to love so much.

Gunshot rings out, no one shouts
two men run by threading down the pave
I crack my knuckles on the stick
slamming it into murder
and stomp on the gas accelerating with glee
laughter from the kittens as I
put new dents into the camaro
the dual-beat of bodies against the grill
echoes the pulse of the city.

Shifting into freedom
I lay the pedal on the floorboard
pinning it with my lust and weighted mind
driving it down into the pavement
wet and sticky, sweating in the heat
at the core of the city, that I love so much.

//Sy

- I know.. odd night.

J.R. MacLean · 05-30-2006, 08:21 AM

Sy;
There was a movie called Deathrace 2000, from the late sixties or so. Competitors would score point for the people they run over.
your poem is a fine satiric comment on city dehumanization- a couple were killed near Toronto by street racers just a day or two ago.
style wise, it's a little loose, could be tightened with less repetition.
overall, excellent idea and nice work!
cheers
J.R.

Syren · 05-30-2006, 08:26 AM

lol... hadn't thought about that movie in a long time JR, thanks for the memory. Thanks for the comments too my friend, I might hit this one again next time the mood gets me.

Cheers,

//Sy

gary_wagner · 05-30-2006, 09:46 AM

Dark, coarse, gritty - kind of fits with your new avatar. This was compelling but somehow really uncomfortable. The imagery was excellent - even if unpleasant. It was a good poem describing a place and events I want no part of.

Psycho6058 · 05-30-2006, 09:54 AM

Absolutely agree with Gary, but I also gotta say I love your created word
"grotesquerie"-----I may steal it some time. LOL

darkangela · 05-30-2006, 10:02 AM

This was almost frightening yet exciting at the same time!

I love it!

Syren · 05-30-2006, 10:15 AM

gary: thanks, that's just where my mind was for this one. Appreciate the post, as always.

Psy: thanks for the read, you're welcome to my words anytime

darkangela: thanks for commenting, I appreciate it. Glad you liked this one, a bit dark - perhaps you like the dark poetry?

Thanks again.

Going to try a few days of evil... until I get to that one that scares me.. then I'll go back to butterflies and hugs and such.

Cheers all, thanks for the comments.

//Sy

zoya_brar · 05-30-2006, 10:31 AM

butterflies and hugs please

darkangela · 05-30-2006, 11:36 AM

Yes, I like the dark. lol

kalibantre · 05-30-2006, 02:34 PM

oooh this was what you were writing! ignore my comment about that on the other poem...

ermm... I feel bad for leaving you now if you're writing this... I find it hard to believe it came from you some how.. But I loved it and at the same time it scared me...

I loved it, I love the chill it gave me, that the horror movies I watched last night didnt. Explore your evil side, but please come back to the light... you are very talented at both, but I look to you for pick me ups.. lucky I'm having a good day eh?

oh and for the record.. you abused my name!!!

Syren · 05-31-2006, 02:38 PM

zoya: soon darlin.. soon

dark: hehe... me too

kali: this is the one.. and no worries... it's not so much I'm wallowing inside a dark cloud, just trying a new aspect... letting out another schizo bit.

Glad you liked it, this one makes me think of Sin City for some reason... specially the kittens part.. hehe. I told you so.

Be back to my jolly self soon... just a couple more I want to get out first. Cheers all, thanks for the reads and posts... appreciated much.

//Sy

06-24-2006, 11:23 AM

good morning from my bleary eyed world.

this is a very good poem... with the possibility that it is over-punctuated.

i believe gigi calls that 'comma chameleon'.

i would say lose some of the unnecessary punctuation to allow this piece the flow and speed it so desires.

make sense?

jen

gigi · 06-24-2006, 11:42 AM

comma chameleon, indeed...

the tricky thing about a first person narrative poem is making it feel like a poem rather than fiction or prose (whatever the fuck prose really is). Toward the end I think you might be overusing the pronoun "I", but the nature of the piece doesn't argue with that.

I also got "Deathrace 2000" from this as well as "Cool World". The subdued tone on this graphic piece suits me very well. Nice write, good flavour.

Lans

Elizabeth Hopkins · 06-24-2006, 05:36 PM

I love it. It would be great turned into a black and white, the origional Crow style, comic strip. It had hue, texture, it drew imagined senses of smell and touch into the mind. Thank you for sharing.

Syren · 06-27-2006, 12:19 PM

v: yes, I know, commas are something of, well, a habit for me.

Huni called me comma dude some time ago.

I'll give this one a retool soon, off-line most likely. Thanks for the crit and comments, appreciated, as always.

gigi: I see what you mean about 'I', might try it both ways in a pepsi challenge, see which I like better... looks like a coin toss to me. Thanks for the post, always glad to have your advice on my poems, thanks a ton.

Liz: (Liza? Eli? Beth? EH?) Thanks for the comments and read, glad you enjoyed it. I really sensed the same thing about this one, so far as the black and white/texture goes... thanks so much, very kind of you.

Cheers all, thanks again,

//Sy