The Mikvah - Writers Forum

voicesinmyhead · 05-25-2006, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Author's Note
Here's the deal- I would really appreciate criticism on this, but I'm worried that nobody's going to have the background to understand what the heck I'm saying. So, two second synopses- the last stage of an orthodox conversion is immersion in a pool of water (mikvah) and acceptance of the commandments and religion. Also, the Talmud at one point says that God is like a mikvah for His people.

If that background was confusing or incoherent, I would like criticism of just the writing, please.

Letting go.
Of the rail
and the past.
Of inhibitions
and volition.
Submit
and submerge,
subdued
by the sublime.

Dip beneath
and release
for an embryonic peace.
Contained,
and unchained.

No gravity,
no barriers,
no walls,
no definitions
or conditions.

Breathe and inhale
the dripping dew,
the rushing stream,
from the pure
unbroken well.

Suspended,
blended,
and extended.

Touching nothing,
holding nothing,
asking nothing.
Hands empty,
filled with water.

Then rising up
into nation,
consecration,
congregation.

Destination.

huni · 05-25-2006, 11:48 PM

Even with out a knowledge of the background I got and enjoyed this. Dropping some 'you' might make it less in my face and more open to finding my own feel for this - otherwise good I think. warm regards huni.

voicesinmyhead · 05-26-2006, 12:12 PM

huni- thanks for the suggestion. I will have to think about it- eliminating the you's might make it seem like an imperative, which is not the intention. Perhaps I should change everything to '-ing' form instead? Or maybe imperative is fine? I'll have to think about it. But thanks!

gary_wagner · 05-26-2006, 12:25 PM

This was good. I usually don't like short lined poems but it worked well here. I agree with Huni about removing "you".

Oops. You must be editing this right now because either I already forgot what I read earlier or this poem really did change.

I'm back and it looks like you're done. The you's are out but I don't like the "ing"s in there now in letting and touching. I would like them better if they were let and touch.

zoya_brar · 05-26-2006, 12:33 PM

thats a good poem!

voicesinmyhead · 05-26-2006, 02:15 PM

Gary- lol, yeah, I must have been changing it out from underneath you. I'm still trying to figure out imperative vs. ing, so it may continue to shift.
zoya- thanks.