Lucky - Writers Forum

ross · 05-19-2006, 06:18 PM

Hollow eyes once wild with screams
anaesthetized by bursting steel
a never ending day of nights
silhouette by Very lights

Dirty hunched-up coughing wrecks
itchy twitchy shaky sweats
card-clutching fugitives below
hide terrified in their burrows

I press my frame against the clay
and pray it will suck me away
and cover me with clinging mud
from pelting steel mixed with the blood

of those that stood in line before
the shredder as it ripped and tore
upon their flesh exploding mist
bloods iron-taste upon my lips

is clearly there with every breath
earth and air speak of their death
white noise the constant sky burst's blast
fear's one emotion I still have

I count my blessings

Lucky
to be here
to take a breath
from air I feel

I'm fortunate to see the rays
to feel the sun an extra day
blessed without the need of sleep
Aware of every inch I keep

A shadow of those gone before
these virgins of a children’s war
light a charcoal fire below
Lord fill my lungs and cleanse my soul

Syren · 05-20-2006, 01:15 PM

Enjoyed that ross, I really loved L14-L16, great bit that. The whole thing was great, the I'm lucky's got a little repetitive, but not painfully so, imo. The ending had me grasping for a deeper meaning, and after a couple re-reads I still am unsure as to who the friends are or where they might have gone.

So while it was a bit confusing, it did make me think and wonder - is it about people native to a land? Or perhaps the idea of claiming ownership of a piece of ground?

Regardless, great images and thoughts in this one. Thanks for sharing!

//Sy

ross · 05-21-2006, 03:12 AM

Thanks Syren, I've had another go at this and reposed it under the title The Last of Dinapore.
I do sometimes keep too much information back in an attempt to suggest something rather than point it out.
Glad you liked it, useful feedback too. Thanks.