kagechaos

Freedom
By Cody Piechocki

Some of us look at the world and stare in disbelief.
Some of us go through each day and never feel relief.
Some of us have everything, and some of us are thieves.
Some of us just keep living on, and sigh, and say "Good grief."

There are many, many people living on this earth.
Every day a few more die, a few more mothers give birth.
Each and every soul and heart has a purpose in their life.
As soon as they discover it, the world will be made right.

But until the purposes are discovered and the truths revealed,
The world will be a chaotic place, yet another battlefield.
And all the people might just think they can hide behind a shield.
But until you find your purpose, no freedom will you wield.

scnd

Your rhyme scheme subtracts from the overall value of your words, its also floppy and changes over and over. Its like a wagon wheel that falls off and sends the driver careening over the gourge.

also your rhymes dont have excelent masculin and feminin mixers. You concentrated too much and its pulling my attention. Make sure you get hard and soft rhymes hammered down.

For a great example of rhyme, hit up house of pain's 'jump around'

other than that your topic is great, the idea expressed is clear, outright, bolstered.

The soul is also pushed out very well, and by the end of the last line, you understand something important that you can take with you through life.

You have the soul of a poet, but the talent of a writer. While your thinking fresh squeased, your handing over frozen concentrate. Best way i can say to resolve this is to become more in touch with what your poet side wants. it involves alot of pad and paper work (keeping a notebook with you wherever you are) but it pays off.

zoya_brar

very well said.. and aptly put..
that poem has sincere purpose but gets lost in rhyme.. wish you wouldnt concentrate on the rhyme scheme so much and would just let your thoughts flow..!