MNJ1193

1600 days since your last kiss and I can still taste your breath
that sweet sugary goodbye right before you headed west
into that routine we expected never to have an end
into that dew kissed blue sky just east around the bend

1601 nights I've stood at the door waiting for your return
our windows holding candles I thought I'd never have to burn
into my arms your return; all this time gone by I've expected
into my heart your memory remains to keep our souls connected

I'll stand here 1600 more days until you finally come back home
and if its only in my mind that your spirit is allowed to roam
Ill stay awake 1601 more nights to fulfill my promised words
Ill stay true to you and another's whisper will never be heard


Thanks for the feedback...

Syren

I likes MN

Couple nitpicks:

In the second stanza, third line, the second use of return... I think if you rephrase that line it'd flow much better (just my thought).

Second to last line, what do you think of:
'to fulfill that promised word' instead of 'my promised words'? Again, for the flow of the piece.

Maybe if you break the lines, it'll give you a different feel to the piece? If I may:
I made a few grammar tags as well above, for you to consider, but I didn't change the wording. I think this structure gives it an added depth, but the lines may need tweaking to find a meter you approve of... that is if you like this form.

Just some thoughts, I did enjoy the piece Thanks for sharing!

//Sy

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* Poems *

- Back for a bit, more and less.

MNJ1193

Sy,

Thanks for the read and suggestions. Youre right about the structure, I originally started to wtite shorter lines/longer stanzas, but then I wanted to experiment with it and see how far I could take the idea if I shortened the stanzas to 4 lines in an abab rhyme scheme while repeating the intro to lines 3 & 4 . Thanks again for the input, it is greatly appreciated.

Blackhawk_t

I like this and thought it was quite creative. I would have to agree with Syren in regards to breaking it up. Seemed to read a lot smoother.

I would recommend doing something with dew kissed blue sky. The repetition of the word kiss seemed to stand out for me. It's a good description, but just seemed to catch me there.

Then, as Syren mentioned about the second return usage.

Other than that, it was a good read. Though 1601 days is a long time to wait. LOL But nothing you really want in life isn't worth waiting for.

Good job.

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MNJ1193

Thanks for the fedback. Yeah I agree about breaking it up, but you know, I like to try new things once in awhile. I agree that its a long time, as I mentioned before, I was trying to see how far I could take this, (lol not far enough I guess) I wrote this as I thinking about a friend of mine who lost some on 9/11, and how hard it is still for him. With the flight 93 movie that came out it really dredged up some feelings for him, and was thinking in that perspective. trying to carture that moment I guess. anyway, thanks for he feedback, I appreciate it.