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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 04-06-2006, 05:06 PM   #1
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On Hunting

When a hunter trails an animal, he's very
stealthy. He knows how to dampen clatter
from his feet, if he's good. Then there
are certain opportunities which open like
the doors to the soul -- like windows.
Physiology of prey is more interesting when
it's viewed from the point of a killer.
If he's good. Then everything seems simple:
the prey becomes your friend and friends
are easier to hunt because you don't need
to worry about being polite.

Hunting is very much like loving. An obsession
occurs, and the inexperienced think they should
chase blindly, while the wise learn to know their prey.
Perhaps a lover should not be referred to as prey?
If you don't know your prey, you end up as
what is called a stalker. Stalkers are blinded
by thoughts of sin, sex and self. They hunt
wihout loving their prey, so they aren't
accepted by our culture. I'm not talking about
them; we don't like them, right? Yes, we hate
them because they're so open about lust; because
they haven't learned to dampen their clatter.
It's the ones who have learned, those who
quiet their marching through deceitful language
and mask their ill-intent by carefully chosen rhetoric:
the poets. They are silent stalkers. You see,
the hunter-prey analogy works very well.

Author's Note:
I can't tell you how freeing this was to write. I enjoyed writing it more than any poem I've written in a long time. I just hope I pulled it off well enough for it to be an enjoyable read also.
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Old 04-06-2006, 07:15 PM   #2
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sorry, but it doesn't read like poetry to me, despite your having divided it up into lines... would probably make a better essay than poem, imo...

i'm against all kinds of 'hunting' so i can't critique the content neutrally and will leave that to others...

love and hugs, maia
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Old 04-06-2006, 10:52 PM   #3
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Quote:
It's the ones who have learned, those who
quiet their marching through deceitful language
and mask their ill-intent by carefully chosen rhetoric:
the poets. They are silent stalkers.
I believe I stated my reasons for it sounding rather prosey.

I don't have a forumulated opinion on hunting; the idea was simply used as a metaphor.

Sorry it didn't strike you as terribly poetic.
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Old 04-07-2006, 06:04 PM   #4
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sorry, but i didn't see that section as being any sort of rationale for the piece's unpoetic style/sound... i'd have to conclude your intent [ill or not] was too heavily masked and the rhetoric not carefully enough chosen...
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Old 04-07-2006, 06:58 PM   #5
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for poetry, this piece is heavy with words and feels like text.

i'm going to have to agree with maia that it reads more as an essay.

for a piece with content such as this, i find that it's lacking in the intensity that would make it effective. i think, perhaps, that this is due to a simple case of too many words.

i am not put off by the cold, observational feeling. i think that can work.

When a hunter trails an animal, he's very (possibly, the hunter, trailing an animal, is stealthy? either way, the 'very' is unnecessary)
stealthy. He knows how to dampen clatter
from his feet, if he's good. Then there ('if he's good' is repetitive of what has already been implied)
are certain opportunities which open like (don't need 'certain')
the doors to the soul -- like windows. ('doors to the soul---like windows is a tad cliche)
Physiology of prey is more interesting when
it's viewed from the point of a killer.
If he's good. Then everything seems simple (don't need 'if he's good, although i see what you are aiming for with the repetition it's not working)
the prey becomes your friend and friends (could cut 'and friends are')
are easier to hunt because you don't need
to worry about being polite.

Hunting is very much like loving. An obsession
occurs, and the inexperienced think they should
chase blindly, while the wise learn to know their prey. (this is coming off as preachy)
Perhaps a lover should not be referred to as prey?
If you don't know your prey, you end up as ('you end up as what is'... so wordy)
what is called a stalker. Stalkers are blinded
by thoughts of sin, sex and self. They hunt
wihout loving their prey, so they aren't (are you sure of your psychology behind the stalker?)
accepted by our culture. I'm not talking about
them; we don't like them, right? Yes, we hate
them because they're so open about lust; because (last three lines, so very wordy.)
they haven't learned to dampen their clatter.
It's the ones who have learned, those who
quiet their marching through deceitful language
and mask their ill-intent by carefully chosen rhetoric:
the poets. They are silent stalkers. You see,
the hunter-prey analogy works very well. (this last line is clenching the essay tone.)

what i want to say is: if you want it to be prose, let it be prose. if you want it to be a poem, then make it a good one. your intensity is being drowned in too many words like a salad in too much dressing. the content is excellent. intriguing and approached in a refreshing manner. i would like to see this work for you. please let me know if there's anything i can do to further clarify my comments. and let me know if you disagree. i wouldn't mind tossing this one back and forth a bit.

jen
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Old 04-08-2006, 08:34 PM   #6
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salad analogy is right on target, jen!... good critique... m

[you did mean 'clinching' at the end, and not 'clenching' though, didn't you?]
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Old 04-08-2006, 10:08 PM   #7
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Achilles,

It's nice that you found it freeing to write, but it's not much of a poem.
it's really not much of an essay, either. You've presented your point and attempted to sustain them with arguments that are pretty much non-sequiters, nattering about lust and sin in an attempt to define hunters and stalkers in a way that suits your own purposes.

Also stating that a hunter becomes friends with his prey through knowing its psychology with the intent of killing it doesn't make any sense. After all you don't kill your friends. I could agree that there is a relationship, kind of a bond between hunters and prey in the natural world, but it's not friendship.

Incidentally, I have no philosophical or moral arguments against hunting. I used to hunt myself. It's just that I find this piece unpersuasive.

Jimbob
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