TSMaloy

Suicide Victim

Blacken the Paper.
Bleached now is the sky.
Watch as a new river,
Runs red without dye.

As time loses it's meaning,
As age brings no fear,
Pain turns into numbness,
Brushed with one shed tear.

Corrupt the blade,
Because gone is the mind,
Written was the hurt,
A shell they will find.

Blacken the paper...
Bleached now is the sky...
Watch as your river...
Runs red as you die.


Okay, this is my attempt at a poem.
There is some symbolism and hidden meanings in it, but I am not sure if they are obvious to the reader...or if they are only obvious to me, the writer. Let me know what you think! I would appreciate it.

I think each line makes perfect sense...but it may take a bit of imagination and time to decipher what I was getting at.

Lates

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Now, it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are...not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome, may make a good tale, and take a deal of telling anyway. --J.R.R Tolkien

SuFeRiNg-SeCrEtS

i like it
its really good i think

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I sleep my life away, because my life tends to fall apart when i am awake!

TSMaloy

Thanks! I appreciate the boost!

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Now, it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are...not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome, may make a good tale, and take a deal of telling anyway. --J.R.R Tolkien

TSMaloy

Are people just not getting this poem?

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Now, it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are...not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome, may make a good tale, and take a deal of telling anyway. --J.R.R Tolkien

bambie1984

Here's my take on it.

It's about someone who is going to kill her(his)self or already has and this is the final moments of her(his) life.

My critique:

I really like this one. It reminds me of some of my poems. I like the rhyme scheme. "Corrupt the blade" is a good line indeed. My only suggestion is to lengthen it and give us some more insight to the suicide victim but even if you choose not to do so it's still a great poem. =D>

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"That which separated and distnguished me from others, mattered. That which no one else said or could say, was what I had to say."
- Andre Gide

Jimbob

Yes, the meanings are obvious enough, but the poem seems rather forced, what with awkward phrasings, well-worn cliches, and inverted sentences like :

I think you're sacrificing content for the sake of form and straining too hard find rhymes, twisting sentences into unnatural-sounding constructions. My suggestion is that you might re-write this one in free verse and focus on some fresher images.

Jimbob

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The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

TSMaloy

Thanks Bambie, I was wondering if I shouldn't lengthen it a bit. But I am unsure as to where I should add and elaborate.

Jimbob: It's interesting to me that you chose the sentence you did. This was one of the things that I was talking about when I earlier stated that it may only be "obvious to me, the writer."

I wrote that part very intetionally.
"Gone is the mind" Is present.
"Written was the hurt" Is past.
"A shell they will find" Is future.
Those three sentences tell a story just on their own.
The story of the person losing their sanity/reason to live (mind). The person writing their suicide note (written). And then the family and friends finding the body (shell) once the deed was done and the suicide committed.

I know it's awkward, but I am trying to keep this poem from being too obvious. I want you to have to pick it apart and catch the unobvious messages. But if that doesn't work well for the readers, then perhaps I will change it...
Thanks for the comments!

Has anyone understood "Blacken the paper" or "Bleached now is the sky"? I can't decide if I should change those sentences so they will be a bit more obvious...

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Now, it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are...not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome, may make a good tale, and take a deal of telling anyway. --J.R.R Tolkien