voicesinmyhead

Day fades into day
like rain on a windowpane.
The blinds stay down, the door stays closed.
and sounds slip in to die upon the floor.

Waiting for this, waiting for that,
waiting for tomorrow.
For yesterday’s fears to become yesterday’s tears
and fade away.

talking to nobody about nothing much.

Someday this all will be my normal,
and time will have passed like a movie changing sets.
and this will all have been once and long ago.

Waiting for this, and waiting for that,
and waiting for tomorrow.
For yesterday’s fears to be yesterday’s tears
and fade away.

talking to nobody just to pass the time.

Measuring time in days and minutes,
taking my pulse too often,
and caring too much.
Projecting every moment into forever,
and trying not to wonder if it’ll ever change

Waiting for this, and waiting for that,
and waiting for tomorrow.
For yesterday’s fears to be yesterday’s tears
and fade away.

talking to nobody and pretending he cares.

silverwriter

hmmm. i've always found it a little annoying to have every first letter of ever line capitalized. however, that could be due to doing it on a word processor first and simply copying it over. i also don't like the word "gonna" but i feel it could be used if you put a little more of those sort of words elsewhere in the poem.

this piece quite appeals to my introvert side and i like it. however, i believe it could stand a little tweaking. aesthetically, i think you've hit it right on the nose, so to say.

i'm wondering, due to the repeating and just the way this is set up, have you ever written lyrics? i have a song forming in my head just reading this.

-jaime

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voicesinmyhead

Thanks for the tips. I think you have a point about the capitalization...I'm going to go back and see how it looks the other way. The thing about lyrics...see, when I read this, I also see how it would totally fit into lyrics, except I am horribly unmusical and could never actually compose a song. So if you (or anyone else out there) wants to commandeer this and fit a tune to it, that would be cool and you are welcome to it.

zoya_brar

when i started reading this poem it felt like it had a lot of promise and i enjoyed it. but when it came to the 3rd para the poem let me down. it got lost in repetition..
i really liked the last line though..
maybe you could go over it again and try tightening it a bit!

gary_wagner

I thought these were lyrics when I read them because of the repeating chorus. I liked "For yesterday’s fears to become yesterday’s tears" the first time I read it but I didn't necessarily want to read it twice more. When I read something like this and I hit a repeated stanza, I just skip ahead and if it repeats too much, I just skip to the end.

I like the thought and sentiment here. Besides the repeating stanza, there were a few other things that got in my way:
I really didn't like this line. I'm not even sure why.
I guess you meant someday, not somebody.
I'm not sure why you chose to capitilize nobody throughout the poem. It made me think is was some kind of cryptic message that I had missed somewhere.

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voicesinmyhead

Zoya- I suppose that I should eliminate the repetitions, but the whole thing is very lyrical in my mind. It doesn't have a tune, because unfortunately I can't write music, but it feels like it ought to. So changing it to straight poem would probably be better, but it would feel like I'm betraying what it's meant to be. Silly, I know.
Gary- I get the thing about repetitions, but see above. The Nobody thing was meant somehow to indicate that I am speaking of Nobody as though it were a person, but in hindsight, it does seem rather clumsy and more than highlighted enough by the 'he' by the end.

Thank you both for the advice.

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My stories:
A Happy Story,Telling His Story,The Beaurocrat

My poems:
Satan,Orientation, For you, Sonnet to War, The Mikvah

zoya_brar

maybe you could post it in the lyric section. even though you may not be able to put a tune to it, it can still be a lyric. mbaye you could ask someone with an interest in music to help you with it!