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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
03-24-2006, 11:24 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Boise
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
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My Suicide
Salty tears from my russet eyes run down my cheeks,
Like streams slipping down a mountainside.
Makeup smeared.
Black mascara drips from my eyelashes.
Should've bought the waterproof.
Mom’s screams echo endlessly in my ears.
She leaves to get drunk and get high,
And fuck the next guy she meets at the local bar.
Jet-black hair strewn across my face
Like a wig of tangled wire.
Appearance buried in my hands.
Fed up with people’s drama
Done with their shit
Over with the hate
Being received from others
Others I don't even know.
Tired and worn
From hurting the ones I love.
Dreams of old racing through my troubled mind.
See a razor,
And reach out with a quivering hand.
Slowly slice my wrists,
The blood pours out onto the white tile.
That'll stain.
Stress oozing out with it.
But not enough leaves.
Cutting helps no more.
Can’t find a way out.
Only one reasonable solution.
Friends are telling me no,
“You have so much more to live for!”
Yeah? Like what?
But my mind is telling me yes,
“It’ll all get so much easier!”
Who will miss me anyway?
No one cares…
No one needs me in this life…
Strong sleeping pills lie abandoned on the marble counter.
They’re softly calling my name.
The voices are getting louder.
Reaching out with a weary hand.
Grasping them in my cold, trembling fingers.
One by one they slip smoothly down my throat
As I consume more deadly toxins.
That makes about 20 or 30 now.
Forgetting all my problems.
They magically disappear
As the drugs converge into my system.
Fulfilling Mom’s wishes.
I feel the poison
Flowing through my veins.
I've forgotten how to breathe.
Life draining from me
Like water from a tub.
I’m feeling lightheaded.
My eyes roll back
And my head hits the wall.
Freedom awaits…
Last edited by Terra Valentine : 09-19-2006 at 01:41 PM.
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03-24-2006, 11:52 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 210
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I love the description. My only problem with it are these two parts...
Quote:
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Pouring out crimson regret and betrayal.
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Quote:
I'm dying
Praying
Bleeding
And screaming.
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They're both VERY similar to a song already in existance, " Tourniquet" by Evanescence. Not accusing you of copying, or anything--I've written songs and poems and then later heard similar lines elsewhere.
Quote:
I tried to kill the pain.
But only brought more. (So much more...)
I lay dying,
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal.
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
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Good job over all, though. <3 |
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03-25-2006, 02:25 AM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Mar 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 77
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i agree, nice job, but maybe you could use more original metaphors from time to time instead of just telling all the time. but i liked this!
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03-25-2006, 12:33 PM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Boise
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
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Yeah, you guys are right. But I hear stuff that sounds good and then I can't find anything better so I use that. But I changed it so it might be better. Thnx for the critiques!
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03-25-2006, 12:40 PM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
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I don't see anything wrong with it now, very stellar, I like it. Makes me think of someone I used to know. Very sad story, universal meaning. Good job.
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04-16-2006, 06:24 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Boise
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
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Thnx you so much OW for reading my poem, I'm very glad you liked it. Means a lot to me  |
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04-16-2006, 06:42 PM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Wicklow, Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 185
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Where does it mention lines from Tourniquet (I love that song!)
No matter. Truly a great poem. I loved it. I've seen two of your poems so far and both of them amazed me.
Full of darkness, with a 'spare no ones feelings' approach. I look forward to see more of your posts. You are VERY talented.
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04-17-2006, 06:04 PM
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#8
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Wicklow, Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 185
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Now I see what stands out.
It is a poem, but there is no definite rhyming structure or stanzas, much like your other.
It feels like a poem but reads like a short story.
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04-17-2006, 06:39 PM
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#9
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Forum Hottie
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Florida
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,522
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Aside from being blissfully tragic, you portray your topic well. Kept me glued to my seat the few times I read it over. Good voice.
Nae
__________________
Years of practice only to find, practice is for amateurs. Live life without a script...
Renae L. Soler
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04-17-2006, 08:05 PM
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#10
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Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Wicklow, Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 185
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I'm glad I saved it from page two with my worthless comment then!
You are talented!
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04-19-2006, 01:48 PM
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#11
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Boise
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
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Hey, thnx u both for the help, I really am happy |
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04-19-2006, 09:56 PM
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#12
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Oregon
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,273
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If you are taking words directly from an existing piece, you should rewrite it with original content.
Lans
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04-24-2006, 03:24 PM
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#13
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Boise
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
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thanx for the advice, I appreciate it a lot
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04-24-2006, 03:51 PM
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#14
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Indiana
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,474
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I had a rant here but I removed it. This was too personal for me to have any objectivity whatsoever.
__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?
Last edited by gary_wagner : 04-24-2006 at 05:09 PM.
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05-10-2006, 11:37 AM
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#15
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Long Island
Gender: Male
Posts: 492
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good
__________________
"remind me when I cared?"--me
"well there was that......no that was just a dream...damn"---Kristie
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