Children Know Best - Writers Forum

Hound · 02-22-2006, 11:22 PM

I'm having trouble getting this out right, and as a result I am writing multiple versions at the same time. Here is the one that I am most fond of, imput is more than appreciated.

Eyes dried out from being too wet.
Staring at an empty box.
All is gone, all is lost.

Passing through the familiar doorway for the first time.
Neighbors exchange a glance.
Man and son are left alone.

One stands at the window staring at the wet pavement.
The other drips water, unaware of the rain.
“Why aren’t you outside playing?”

“There’s no one out there.”

So young,
So innocent,
So smart.

mammamaia · 02-23-2006, 09:24 PM

sorry, i tried hard to understand this, but am having no luck... seems contradictory in places... such as how can a doorway be familiar the first time it's passed?... and if neighbors are there, how can man and son be alone?... and why would a father expect his son to be out playing in the rain?

there seems to be a multiplicity of character povs here, which is very confusing, in addition to all of the above...

am i missing something?

love and hugs, maia

Hound · 02-23-2006, 09:37 PM

Guy goes to his wife's funeral. The door is familiar because it is his own (through which he has passed many times), I state for the first time because everything changes when you lose someone as near to you as your wife.

The neighbor is babysitting his son who is too young to attend a multi-hour funeral service of which he wouldn't even understand. They exchange a glance as the neighbor leaves, no words due to the situation.

I stated that the father was unaware of the rain. That is why he asks his son. People tend to be in such dazes after suffering such a horrific loss.

Thanks for your feedback.

mammamaia · 02-23-2006, 09:50 PM

trouble is, you know all of that, but don't pass on the knowledge to the reader... we can't read your mind, so it's not getting across what you want us to know and feel...

Hound · 02-23-2006, 09:56 PM

I was hoping people could assume the funeral part, because if they could, then everything else should have fallen into place.

At least to those who have lost someone close, of which most people have.

Perhaps if I change empty to macabre it will work?

J.R. MacLean · 08-31-2006, 07:39 PM

agree with mama, hound. you are asking the reader to work way too hard. good poems tend to seduce the reader in some way, rather than presenting him or her with a head scratching problem.
you seem to have a good feel for structure but need to enliven your imagery and make it flow to draw the reader in.
cheers
J.R.

Hound · 08-31-2006, 07:54 PM

Naturally I appreciate every comment I can get, but whoo-wee are you rehashing the past or what. =) Although you did just bump one up that I greatly enjoyed... so thanks for that.

I will have to get around to writing poetry again sometime. I feel awkward critiquing others work without posting anything of my own. =(

Glfralin · 08-31-2006, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Eyes dried out from being too wet.
Staring at an empty box.
All is gone, all is lost.

This part seems to be discussing grief of some kind, even if it is not over a person, but it rings of sorrow. What was in the box?

Quote:

Passing through the familiar doorway for the first time.
Neighbors exchange a glance.
Man and son are left alone.

This second stanza almost seems like this man and boy have moved into a new neigborhood, so that kind of explains the empty box thing and maybe some of the sorrow. But, it still seems like tow separate pieces.

[quote]
One stands at the window staring at the wet pavement.
The other drips water, unaware of the rain.
“Why aren’t you outside playing?”

Quote:

This part almost makes no sense when I try to visualize someone standing dripping wet from standing in the rain and yet asking the kid why he isn't outside.

Quote:

“There’s no one out there.”

So young,
So innocent,
So smart.

The lonesome line here fits into the previous stanza well. The last three lines of the last stanza are fitting to the title, but in truth, without something to make each stanza make a contribution to a complete event, thought, emotion, or sequence it just doesn't quite flow.

I like the phrasing, and I like a lot of the imagery. It's just what is fitting in your head is not quite coming out in the poem here. You are obviously trying, and I hope I've helped a little. Just draw what's in your head, the idea that makes this poem real to you, then connect the dots I guess.